I had an interview yesterday, and I was asked some really tough questions.  One that really stuck out in my mind was "What do you think leadership is?"  It answered it as best I could, but I was pretty unprepared for that question.

I think the most profound statement I made was about leaders choosing their responsibilities over their rights.  I gave an example that we all had a right to go out and party and have fun, and relax, but we had a responsibility to help our community and commit ourselves to the betterment of that community.  I also mentioned that we had a right to voice our opinions and call people whatever derogatory comments we could come up with, but we had a responsibility to treat them with a respect level that we would expect for ourselves. 

Big plans, big plans.  A lot of the brothers of Chi Rho Omicron are big dreamers.  I think it's awesome.  There are only a few, but they are enough.

In the history of the world, there have been some really big dreamers.  Explorers, politicians, leaders, athletes, dreamers come in all shapes and sizes.  Sometimes the dreams are personal dreams, sometimes they are more broad.

For me, I want to be able to change my family's legacy.  My family has always come from a less than rich social history, and I want to change that for my future family and progeny.  I want them to be able to not have to worry about themselves, but be able to take care of others through a variety of means.  It's hard to do that when you are simply worried about where you are going to obtain the most basic living materials.

Disease doesn't discriminate or listen to the odds-it will decimate a strong person with a wonderful attitude, while it somehow miraculously spares the weaker person who is resigned to failure. 

Why me?  Why anybody?  I was no more or less valuable than the person sitting next to me.  It was not a question of worthiness.

What is stronger, fear or hope?  It's an interesting question, and perhaps even an important one.  Initially, I was very fearful and without much hope, but as I sat there and absorbed the full extent of my illness, I refused to let the fear completely blot out my optimism.  Something told me that fear should never fully rule the heart, and I decided not to be afraid. 

I went back to the hospital again today.  Good news.  The CT Scan came out clear.  No problems.  The chest x-ray had showed some changes in the lungs, and the doctor asked about smoking or anyone in the house smoking.  I've been exposed to second hand smoke, but I've never had a cigarette myself.  A cigar twice and nothing else.  The doctor prescribed more tests.  Hopefully those come out well also.

"What are my chances?  It was a question I would repeat over and over.  But it was irrelevant, wasn't it?  It didn't matter, because the medical odds don't take into account the unfathomable.  There is no proper way to estimate somebody's chances, and we shouldn't even try, because we can never be entirely right, and it deprives people of hope.  Hope that is the only antidote to fear.

Today at work there was fear of some riots because of a demonstration against a convention going on at the Capitol.  It was pretty interesting.  There were CHP officers surrounding our building, and we couldn't even go outside.  Even smokers couldn't go outside and light up.  It went through without a hitch, and although there were 42 arrests, there were no major fires or looting going on.

I'm a little more tired than usual, likely the after effects of being sick for a better half of the week and not really allowing myself to recover fully from the whole ordeal.

My step dad came to the house yesterday.  I haven't seen him since before my mom passed away and only talked to him when she did pass.  He didn't even come to the funeral.  It's funny how that is. 

I didn't know what to say or do.  I actually wanted to hit him and torment him for not being around when she needed him, even when they were together.  I wanted to tell him how much he had hurt her when he had cheated on her, and how it wasn't fair to any of us when he would get drunk and go off and throw a fit.  Or during the many times that we were in the car and he'd go mashing down the road, the both of us scared to death at the idea that if he made one small mistake, we'd be dead.

I didn't.  I stayed calm, even though I could feel my chest tighten up and my heart pound and my teeth and hands clenched.  Now I feel guilty.  I feel guilty for even having those thoughts.

We ended up having a calm conversation, about what we each were up to, and what we had planned.  It wasn't a father son moment, but it was civil, like old acquaintances getting together again.

Well, my visitors didn't come and I didn't get directions to one of the trainings.  However, I decided to go to Thunder Valley Casino and parlay for a little bit last night.  Ended up handling a brother's tenant problem, seeing Mike Bibby and his entourage at the casino, eating a pretty good buffet for free, and get back at about 4:00 AM.  So now I'm off to my daily festivities.

I've got company coming tonight staying the whole weekend.  I have to get their accomodations set up.  I have two trainings tomorrow and a graduation party that all overlap.  I'm still feeling under the weather.  All in a day's work.

Not feeling much better.  Going to sleep again.