It's December 31, 2003 and I was in quite an introspective mood today.  I sat down with my lola, who is leaving for the Philippines on January 7, 2004.

We pulled out a few pictures.  I actually saw more pictures of my biological dad.  My lola has pictures that I had never seen before.  There was one picture of my mom, the first time she came over to America from the Philippines.  There was a tear that ran diagonally from the upper right corner to the lower left corner.  She was beautiful.

There were pictures of my aunt when she got married, pictures of my lola when she was younger.  My lola even had some pictures of me that I haven't seen. 

I came to notice that I used to smile a lot.  Even when I was a baby and didn't know what a smile was.  I don't know why I don't smile anymore.  My mom even asked me once why I don't smile anymore.

Was it easier back then?  No.  Physically, it's the same.  Mentally and emotionally, sure I've gone through a lot, but who hasn't?  Plus, I've survived all of it up to this point.  We all have!  What isn't there to smile about?

What makes you smile?  I'd like to know.  Then I can make you smile the next time I see you.

Happy New Year!

Some profound thoughts from my enebriated uncle:

"If you help yourself, God will help you."  (Oh, about 12 times in a row.)  In combination with, "If you don't help yourself, God will not help you."

"People are not perfect.  Common sense tells us people are not perfect."

"Don't always believe your friends.  I was part of a gang...."  (Okay, I totally lost track of what he meant to say towards the end of this phrase.)

"Bobby, this is my advice to you.  You should get married.  Nobody is going to help you." 

and finally,

"I don't care what you do."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 - For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

Christmas is a time for gift-giving.  Although I didn't get many gifts this year, what I did get was a lot of love from a lot of people.  That's what the gifts represent anyways right?  They symbolize love. 

Giving gifts.  That's an even better feeling.  Not necessarily because you gave something, but because you get something back in return.  It's great to see the happiness on the recipient's face, and those feelings that you have done something positive in someone's life is priceless.

It reminds me of a certain tradition I took part in a few years ago.  I bought a cross, with the intent of giving it away to the first person that admired it, and with the stipulation that they would give it to the first person that admired it on them.  I wore it on a trip with my 4 closest friends.  Over the course of the weekend trip, none of them said a word.  I returned home and while at the supermarket, someone said how beautiful it was.  I didn't want to give it to her, because I had meant for it to be given to one of my friends.  I told her to give it to the first person that admired it and to give them the same instructions.

Now I don't know where that cross is, but I hope that as a symbol and as a gift, it has touched many lives. 

A strange thing happened to me last night at rehearsal.  I lost it.  I lost total control of myself.  I think I had lost myself in my character.  See, I'm not sure, because at the time, I still hadn't completed the whole character.  I had vague ideas, but no way of making them come alive.  At least not consciously.  I didn't even really have control of my own limbs.  It was like I was possessed.  I was scared of it.  I never quite felt that way, and I don't know if I can repeat it, because it happened unconsciously.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to get there again.  Now I know I have to.  Fortunately, I know it's in there.  I just have to know how to control it better, and call on it when I need it.

Up to that point, I had felt the part was over my head.  Angela, our director had said, "Be confident.  You were destined for this role."  At the time, I thought it was just director-speak, but I hoped that she was right.  Her encouragement is great.

When I was done with that scene, I had to walk out of the theater, and step outside.  I was shaking.  My heart was pounding.  It was so weird.  I wasn't sure if I had done well, but I knew I had done something different.  Conrad said, "Good job."  Upon re-entering the theater, Gabriel said, "Good job."  I took it as a simple compliment, encouragement for a fellow actor, but I embraced it as affirmation.

At the end of the rehearsal, Angela gave us a five minute break.  I kind of stood on stage, still unsure about what had happened to me three scenes earlier.  She came over and hugged me.  I asked, "Did I do good?"

"You were BETTER than good."  Another cast member came up to me, gave me five and said, "Man, you gave me chills."

During notes, Angela mentioned me as one of three people that have committed to our characters.  It's funny, because just before that very rehearsal, I had said to Conrad, "I can't even imagine how distanced my character is from reality."  It's still true though, because I don't know how I got to that point.  She also embarrassingly pointed out that this was my first time in a full length play.  I got a "Right on!" and a "Really?  Cause I feel an Emmy awardee." out of it, which just embarrassed me further.  I didn't know how to react, so I didn't.  I wonder if the cast thinks I'm stuck up now.

Angela did say that since I came in a complete blank, I have nothing to lose.  The theater professors don't know me, I don't have other parts that I have to live up to, I don't have excess baggage.  I don't know about all that.  This play is deep.  These are scars that are very real on some people.  I have a responsibility to not belittle and deride true feelings, but rather to represent and express them.  That's pressure.  In a way, I wish I did have other plays under my belt.  Experience, really, so that I could be more sure about what I was doing.

There are some cast members that are just so good.  I don't know what I'm talking about, since I've never taken a theater class except for Asian American Theater, but I think they are damn good.  I see them act, and I forget who they are.  I only see their character.  I buy into them.  I want to know more about them. 

Angela's great too.  She knows what she wants, and she tells us what she wants, but we have an environment where she is willing to try out our ideas too, free of judgement.  If only everywhere could be like that.

I was listening to some talk radio the other day, and the host was talking about the capture of Saddam Hussein, and the pictures that were put out by the media.  He continued to say, "This is what it looks like when you stand up against the US."  Is it really?  Is this what we want to show?  That we can take anyone that disagrees with us and malign them and embarrass them?  I'm not saying he doesn't deserve to be put on trial, nor that I agree with him committing genocide on other people.  I AM criticizing the talk-show host for missing the bigger picture, and turning Saddam's capture into a sideshow circus act, where the trainer has control of some kind of animal.

In any case, let's get our men and women out of there.  The United Nations should be over there and us as a part of the UN, but not as the whole UN.  I support our troops.  I believe that they don't deserve to be put in harms way over this.  They've done more than their part.  Bring them home.

I realize that they are doing their job, taking orders, but blind obedience is naive.  Sometimes, you have to, when you find yourself in a situation that you know nothing about, and someone appears to know more than you, and you don't have time to ask any questions.  Sometimes it's the difference between life and death.  But whenever one does have the opportunity to question and analyze, one should take it.  It's a privilege that doesn't come along for everybody.

By the way, who's having New Year's parties that I can attend?  I don't want to spend New Year's at home this year.

I finally saw Return of the King, and well, I was impressed, but not moved by it.  It's a good movie, and definitely an epic, as the novels were to be, but it's not profound.  There aren't lines that will forever be quoted, like from Pulp Fiction or A Few Good Men.  Yet the reason that I know it was a good movie is that, at the end, you still care about the characters, and what happens to them.  Granted, that may also be a sign that the movie is incomplete, but since I have no basis of comparison because I haven't read the books, I can't really say.  Immediately after the movie, I wasn't left with a feeling that I need to read the books.  However, the more I think about it, the more I feel that I should.  Maybe it's subliminal messages. 

By the way, parents shouldn't bring restless toddlers to 3.5 hour movies.  That's just my opinion.  Maybe I'm wrong.  I do know that my feeling is that when those kids are sitting behind you and whispering to each other and not really effectively whispering, that is annoying.  Or when they kick your chair over and over or complain about wanting to go home.  I shouldn't complain though.  Complaining, in and of itself, is not doing anything.  So I'll stop right there. 

I was involved in a white elephant gift exchange and I got two journals out of it.  They are really nice.  I hope I effectively use them.  I've tried to keep journals before, for various things, and well, they are short-lived to say the least.  Maybe this can be a New Year's Resolution.  I need to lose weight too and just get to a point where I feel healthier and better about myself.

I'm trying to do more research on the my character for the play and ran across this review of the play when it was staged in Stockton.  Talk about pressure.  I love it!

Entertainment (Stockton, CA)
[Asian American Repertory Theatre, Stockton, CA]
"Walls" recreates special moments

On June 18, 1993, at Stagg High School, Manlio Silva auditorium, Stockton, California, the Asian American Repertory Theatre presented the fourth production of WALLS by Jeannie Barroga, a young Filipina playwright. The inspiration for the play was a notable group -- a whole generation from the '60s and '70s -- that came together on a long narrow peninsula in Southeast Asia called Vietnam.

The story WALLS, which received two standing ovations at its opening Friday night -- one for the play and one for the playwright -- carries the audience through the historical two-year background of the controversy behind the building of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial and moves the audience forward to the day of its dedication in 1984 -- all the time painting a human canvas of the American affected by that war, both living and dead.

Controversy surrounding the building of the memorial hinged on not only the reason for it and design of it, but also on the 21-year-old architecture student, Maya (played by Kerry Ito) who happened to be a Chinese-American, and whose design entry won over those submitted by other candidates.

Ray Newman, the Director, said, "The Vietnam Veteran's Memorial, a black granite wall with more than 58,000 names carved on it began a healing process that is still going on today. The play is not just about that wall. It's about other walls: walls of fear, prejudice and hatred, walls to keep out those thing which cause us pain, to protect us from things we would rather not face; walls that keep us apart. I have enjoyed watching this cast, as fine a group of actors and technicians as I have ever worked with, building their characters and develop a passion to present a play that will honor all those who served in Vietnam." The background to the Stockton production is varied and dramatic. There were 21 roles portrayed by 18 actors. The Artistic Director, Val Acoba, had solicited scripts from playwright Jeannie Barroga of the Bay Area and chose WALLS which, since 1987, had three productions and is scheduled for publication this September.

The local Filipino-American actors were Fel Tengonciang, who played Stu, a veteran who found he no longer shared a life with his buddy who didn't go to war and couldn't understand him; Ken Alfonso played Rich, a newsman; Alfonso Cabrera, a parent who visits the Wall with his wife to see their son's carved name; and Alex Hernandez, who stepped in two nights before opening after a full day of cramming for the role of Jerry, one of the ghosts.

To set the mood for the play, memorabilia such as photos of veterans in Vietnam, letters, poetry, flags, etc., some gathered from as far as Sacramento, were displayed in the lobby by Terry Andree and other VV's. Andy Rallojay, Jr., a Filipino-American Vietnam veteran helping with the lobby display, heard the rehearsal and went home inspired and wrote a touching poem recollecting his experience, framed it and placed it in the lobby for all to read. On opening night, the audience, resembling much of the cast itself, saw a play unfold telling finally their stories and/or expressing some of their feelings about the war. By the end of the play, the 'tolling of names like a bell in your head' brought tears to Andy and the twenty or so vets and audience members and even to the cast itself, as some of the names called were those of sons, brothers and friends who were Stocktonians and former students at Stagg High School.

A special night had happened; a special moment was re-created that accomplished the same thing as in Washington, D.C. before the real WALL.

I survived the weekend, and made it to everything on time.  From what I can tell is on my calendar, it's just the PYC retreat (Jan 9-11) and "Walls" (Jan 16-31) that's up next, that are of the "make time in your schedule" category.

That's how I organize my life.  I take a month and try to write down everything I already know that's coming up.  I break down each hour, because I have found that I really need an hour to make anything productive and worthwhile.  And if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well.  If anything overlaps in time, I weigh them out and have to pick one or find a way to get both in.

Of course, there are times that those surprises come up.  Events that you just couldn't plan for.  I go through a similar process with those, and weigh them out, and choose whatever is more important.  It's funny though, because if it is a dealing with a friend or my family, I don't even have to look at my calendar.  My friends and my family supersede pretty much everything else. 

As a segue into my next topic, I just wanted to say, I have a fight scene!  It's neat.  The actor that I'm working across with is a consummate professional.  His name is Roman.  He's real good.  A professional compared to me.  We were rehearsing, and Angela, our director stopped us right in the middle, and told him to be less mean.  Just like that he turned it right off.  I was amazed.  It's not easy to just turn off emotions like that.  At least I haven't found it to be, even if you are just acting.

Oh and don't forget...

I went to a big meeting on Saturday for the National Network for Veterans Equity.  I met some big names, like Lourdes Tancinco, Jon Melegrito, Lillian Galedo, and Rick Rocamora.  We had to regroup and reframe our position.  I also found out that a veterano passed away that Saturday.  The whole meeting was an overwhelming experience. 

Other SAVE folks were there too, including Erin Dawn, Angelica, Jun, and Rissa.  Found out from Rissa that she is going to relocate to Virginia.  She's so funny and energetic.  I could really appreciate being around her more.

The weekend also included lots of caroling. 

Well I'm glad that when I hit rock bottom, and life had knocked me down, I landed on my back.  See, I was able to look up from that position.  Since I could look up, I could get up.  That's what's happening now.

Sinag-tala was good.  We received a very positive response from the show.  There were a few technical difficulties each show, but we managed to overcome all of that.  Post showtime, however, many people are suffering from the "Post ST Blues."  It's similar to my FAYLC depression from earlier this year.  Although I miss everyone from the cast, I am not really feeling the "Post ST Blues" like everyone else is, probably because I was so tired by the end of the run, and I haven't gained my energy back.  Plus, I'm going through some blues of my own.

Although I didn't get to go out with that fellow cast member who I had slowly developed a crush on, it's not like I didn't try.  In the end, she said, "Uh...no."  I have to apologize about being vague about this person's identity, it's just that I don't want to commit libel or slander or anything like that.  Plus, she's a really cool person, and just because she lost out on me, whoever does win her heart over is will know how wonderful she is.  She is quite a catch, if I do say so myself.  I even forgot about Vangie for a little bit.  It takes someone special for that to happen.  I should write a song about it.

There's a few things going on now for me.  Currently, I'm thinking about another show, called "Walls", written by Filipina American playwrite Jeannie Barroga showing January 16-31, caroling this weekend, a Veterano Equity meeting tomorrow in good old San Francisco, Kira's graduation on Sunday, lola leaving for the PI on January 7, PYC retreat January 9-11, and of course, Chi Rho Omicron formal on March 20, with a Kings game on March 23.  The last two straddle my birthday, so I'm expecting to have a good time.  I don't have a date yet to the formal or to the Kings game, so any takers reading this?  Hit me up, and I'll let you know.

On the social front, I'm still single.  That is a direct invitation for the ladies to give me a call.  I should place a classified.  Lonely sometimes, when I'm in that feel sorry for myself mood.  Luckily that only happens when I'm talking to someone like that.  I think I actually go there on purpose, to try to build rapport with them, to try to see where they are coming from.  I'd rather not go down that road, however.

I was talking to my best friend from high school, and we were talking about how she had met her husband online.  Now, with the proliferation of all those dating sites like Friendster, and MySpace, it's sort of the same thing.  We talked about the fear of stalkers being online, but for those that find real relationship potential, we reasoned that there are several reasons for it.  

The most important reason is that you get to know the person from the inside out.  You don't see them right away.  You chat with them, once, twice, and more and more, and unless they have a picture up or you ask and they give it to you right away, you don't know how they look.  Provided they are really being themselves, then you get to know them on a mental and emotional level, rather than on a physical level right from the beginning.

I found this theory to be quite interesting, simply because it is easy to fake a persona on the internet.  You can censor, hide, or display any part of yourself that you wish.  I however, am quite a believer in good people, and so I accept who I meet, what they say, and what they post at face value, with the assumption that they have no malicious intentions.  It's quite a vulnerable position to take, but one that I take without reservation.

Just having some fun on the internet, I made a fan club. Maybe it's pathetic to make your own fan club, but it's my club, so don't hate. If you don't want to join, that's all good. Subscribe here...

Well my mind is racing about people I've met in person and on the internet, and even on this site, as well as the many activities that I will soon participate in.  168 hours per week.  Time to make them productive.