Thanks to everyone that came to the party.  I do believe we had 1500 strong in the Splitfire, and everyone having a good time, with few problems from a few knuckleheads looking for trouble.  If you went, and you had a good time, there's more XPO parties ahead.  If you didn't go, the good news is that there are more XPO parties ahead.

It's nice to be able to see friends and pick up right where you left off.  It's very cool in so many different ways.  You feelings of awkwardness, silent moments are poignant ones, not weird, and you can laugh about just about anything.

Show sold out last night.  Two more to go.  Only two.  Come through if you haven't.

Walls had another review in the Sacramento News and Review, a local independent free distribution paper.  We got a 3 out of 5 in there, although the comments were less specific regarding the show.  Then, the full back page of The Philippine Fiesta was an interview with Ms. Angela-Dee Alforque, our director for the show.  I learned quite a bit from that article myself, especially regarding her motivations for directing this play in particular.

I was a half beat off for about three-fourths of the performance yesterday.  It was totally my own fault, because I wasn't focused enough.  Just plain weird.  I want to rock the house every show, but for some reason, I couldn't focus yesterday, until it was really late into the show.  It was quite frustrating.  When I found myself though, I think I redeemed most of my performance. 

Tell me something.  Why is it that when I talk to someone on the phone, I get all flustered and can't articulate what I am thinking or feeling?  This is a similar thing that happens to me when I am talking to someone I am attracted to in person.  I must have had a traumatic incident with the phone when I was younger that I have since blocked out of my mind.  Which reminds me.  I still want to see "Butterfly Effect."

What obstacles do you find when trying to become a close friend to someone of the other sex?  I've never read the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, but that saying leads me in the direction to say that men and women will never really understand each other.  They may tolerate, and co-exist together, but they won't quite ever get on the same wavelength.  Hence, relationships will always be riddled with drama, and the obstacles will keep on coming.

That's kind of an extreme position to take.  I know for myself, the one biggest obstacle I have comes in the realm of deciding that I deserve it.  That's why I walk around with all these self-affirmations and trying to boost my resolve.  It's still somewhat unnatural for me, but my hope is that eventually those self-affirmations become a part of me, and I don't have to consciously validate my feelings.  It's all a confidence thing.  I often worry about not being interesting and not being able to relate.  That's where I'm just being ridiculous.  Everyone has something interesting to say or do.  I haven't met one person yet that didn't.  When I do, then I'll change my position.  Maybe.

We had a question and answer session with the audience yesterday after the show, and there were some very interesting questions brought up, in particular in relation to the current war in Iraq.  So as I'm looking at various headlines, I see one regarding a $401.7 billion budget request that President Bush is going to send to Congress for the Pentagon.  Now that amount is unbelievable.  We're talking billion.  Let's put things in perspective.  1 million seconds is about 11.58 days.  1 billion seconds is about 31.71 years.  That's a lot of money he's putting into the Pentagon, which I wouldn't think would be ridiculous to assume that it will be for the war.  I dunno.  It's just scary to think of how many lives will be lost in this thing.  Also, there are 290 million people in the United States.  If we split that up among its citizens we would have $13,831.03.  I could use that.  That would be nice wouldn't it.  Seems to me, that we aren't that important in the eyes of these budget analysts.  Would America be here if it weren't for us? 

Drumroll please!!!

I am pleased to announce that the "Walls" run has been extended.  Yes, we have an additional show to do on February 1, 2004 at 2:00 p.m.  So come to the show!  Reserve your tickets now!

Also, don't forget to come to UNITY II, the joint party between the respectful young gentlemen of Chi Rho Omicron, alpha Kappa Delta Phi, Sigma Kappa Rho, Psi Chi Omega, Pi Alpha Phi, and Delta Epsilon Mu.  If that's all Greek to you, then great!!!  Our parties are live.  This one's at the Splitfire in Vacaville, just a short drive from either the bay or the valley.  We're talking two dance floors, four separate bars, ooh, it's on!

How do you motivate a person who doesn't want to face challenges in life?  Challenges help you grow.  Overcoming those challenges boosts your self-esteem.  Sure challenges can be overwhelming, downright impossible at times, but we rarely ever have to face them alone.  Some of us choose to, for better or for worse.  We always have someone to turn to, someone to ask for a favor, or some help, or to just take our minds away from the problems of daily life, of our daily wars.

Yet some of us are too proud to ask for anything.  Is it an admission of weakness?  Is it that we've been socialized so thoroughly to be independent and self-sufficient, that it's shameful to ask for help?  What is it really?

Some of us are just so self-motivated that we don't know how to ask for help.  We've made it so uncomfortable for ourselves to ask for help.  We are physically able to do it, but mentally we cannot.  Some of us think that we have to make every mistake for ourselves, that it's the only way that we learn.  There's not enough time for us to repeat every mistake, so that sort of reasoning is out the window in my book.

I'm not proud of some of the things that I have done, and I'm sure there will be more things that I will do that I will not be proud of.  I continue to do what I think is right.  If that has consequences, I'll accept them.  Until I learn a better way.

Check out who's in the paper!!! Yup it's us, the "Walls" show. Sacramento Bee. January 26, 2004. Scene Section Page E1. Woo Haa!!

Come watch the very first play of the Sacramento City College Ethnic Theatre Department!

ONLY THREE SHOWS LEFT!!!

City Theatre/SCC Ethnic Theatre Program Presents

WALLS
Written by Jeannie Barroga
Directed by Prof. Angela-Dee Alforque

Walls takes place in the early 1980's in Washington D.C. The play looks at the controversial creation of the National Vietnam Veterans Memorial, and dramatizes the experiences of individuals who visit The Wall for reflection, reconcilation, and healing. This production invites the audience to revisit this part of our history and reflect on the relationships between conflict and peace, life and death, art and reality, then and now.

This is a powerful play that I am honored to be a part of.

Dates:
Thursday, January 29, 2:00 p.m.
Friday, January 30, 8:00 p.m.
Saturday, January 31, 8:00 p.m.

Tickets:
$12 General
$10 Students/Seniors/Veterans/Persons with Disabilities
(additional $1 off per ticket for groups of 10 or more; call Box Office for details & reservations)
$7 Matinees (All Tickets, no additional discounts)

Place:
Art Court Teatre
Sacramento City College
3835 Freeport Blvd. Sacramento 95822
(Parking available in Lot J, off of 12th Ave. east of Freeport Blvd.)

Information & Reservations:
Box Office Phone (916) 558-2228
http://scc.losrios.edu/~theatre

For more information about the production please contact Angela-Dee Alforque (916) 558-2017, alforqa@scc.losrios.edu

I'm still not sure if we are going to extend the run, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  Also, the UNITY II party is going on this Friday, and of course XPO is involved.  You know how we do it.  And if you don't know yet, come learn.

UNITY II Friday January 30, 2004 @ the Splitfire Bar and Grill in Vacaville

:: Hosted by ::
Mass Appeal Productions along with the brothers and sisters of alpha Kappa Delta Phi//Pi Alpha Phi//Chi Rho Omicron//Psi Chi Omega//Sigma Kappa Rho//Delta Epsilon Mu
Six different organizations + Mass Appeal Productions = one crackin ass party!

:: 3 STYLE ATTRACTIONS ::
(3STYLEATTRACTIONS.COM)
-the untouchable DJ Wreck
-Hawaii's Don Hoe DJ Dynamix
-the pup DJ P-dawg
spinnin the finest Hip Hop, RnB, n Reggae on wax

:: Featuring ::
2 huge dance floors
tri level staging
4 fully loaded bars
state of the art sound n lighting
huge smoking area
1500 person capacity! last year we sold out, this year we plan on doing the sameRules n Regulations
no hats or sports attire
18+ to wiggle ya hips
21+ to dip n sip
paty from 10:00 til deuce in the mornin!

No guest list for this party! We got mad presales n they are going fast!
Guarantee your entry and let me know!

Early arrival strongly suggested!

I was reading someone else's entry and was reminded of a theory that said upon meeting, people know if they are going to sleep with each other.  This entry changed to be attracted to one another.  It went on to say that women, even if not attracted to the man, will still try to be friends with that guy that she is not attracted to because maybe he has cute friends.  Cutthroat isn't it?  It does make it seem like meeting people is simply a matter of recruitment and retention or attrition.  I wish it were that simple.

As far as myself, I have to battle my own insecurities before I can even approach someone, which is not always easy for me to do.  I often have that self-talk that I, among my friends, am infamous for.  One person called it, "Bobby retreating into his shell."  I have to give myself self-affirmations, because who else is going to do it?  I don't go around fishing for compliments or trying to schmooze to hear good things about myself.  I try to keep myself grounded that way.

In some instances, I shot myself in the foot with the whole shy bit.  Or as Ken puts it, the "self-block."  Exactly two months until formal.  It's not far off at all.  Not sure who to ask.  Any suggestions?

There has been this saying running among the cast that we've had a "Luxurious Show."  To be honest, it's true.  I mean we haven't been perfect, but gosh darn, for me, I couldn't ask to be part of a more professional, and supportive cast.  We've been so successful so far.  It's great to share success with others.  Just going through the process, growing together, and being able to display a product to a group of people that have never seen it before.  Amazing.  What good is it to keep success to yourself?  By sharing success with others, one is happier and makes others happy as well.  In fact, I just got a call from our director and she asked if I could do a show on Sunday.  Quite an offer.

I coined an "Each one, teach one," philosophy at a retreat a few years back.  It means that we each have something to teach one another.  That also means that we each have something to learn from one another.  It's this sharing of ideas that humanity really grows.

For example, Melissa and I were talking about how Neal Armstrong blew his line when he stepped onto the moon.  He said, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."  He meant to say, "One small step for A man, one giant leap for mankind."  He dropped the ball.  Oh well.  We'll learn for when we land on Mars, which doesn't seem that far off all of a sudden.

There was also a PYC meeting and PYC Retreat debriefing last night that Conrad and I went to after the show.  It was cool, a lot of rambunctious teens.  Controlled chaos.  We're trying to focus that energy towards the Filipino American Youth Leadership Conference, which is coming up in August.  We don't have a theme just yet, but we'll get it together soon.  I think we should cover globalization and the Philippine diaspora, but I'm not sure if it would be a relevant topic.  I have to analyze and discuss it further.

Oh and we had a "Hypes and Gripes!" session and there are way too many people not excited about school.  What the heck is going on?  I only wish I was still in that environment where your mind is being stimulated and exercised all the time!  Now I have to look for things, and work harder to find those things and people that I can have intellectual intercourse with.  Maybe that's why I do this.  That saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side," is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Another day another dollar...spent. 

As I dove headfirst into yet another sleepless night, I started thinking about creating a statute of limitations for myself.  Yet a statute of limitations seems so restrictive and negative.  So I decided to compliment it with a statue of potentials. 

One large item on my limitations was that I cannot help everyone and that I shouldn't feel bad or take the blame if there is someone that I cannot help out. 

Also I need to realize that I have the potential to be a positive influence on people, to be a role model for others.

I'm careful to talk about potential though, because I have this saying that even an unborn child has as much potential as anyone on this planet.  Life is not about potential.  Many people have potential, but don't do anything with it.  Life is about action. 

Growing my hair out for the play has gotten me some attention, although a different type of attention that I am familiar with, to say the least.  I know I look a lot older with it, and when it was growing out initially, it was so uncomfortable.  I guess I got used to the uncomfortableness of it now.  I've gotten "I like your beard thing," "Look, it's Jesus," and "You look like Wolverine" comments.  I get the Wolverine comment most frequently.  I always respond with, "I'm doing it for the play."  Wolverine is one of those comic characters that I am able to relate to a lot.

He's a loner, who doesn't know much of his origins, just like me.  I have a hard time making friends, even simply opening up to people.  At least that's how I perceive myself.  As far as the whole origin, and me not knowing mine, I liken that to my life with my biological father, whom I never met, despite all my efforts, as well as my continuing search for more Philippine cultural knowledge.  Wolverine, also known as Logan, is considered a hero, because of his stance on life and how he sticks to his beliefs.

I've never done anything heroic.  At least not that I know of.  I think I'll add that to my list of goals. 

I was asked an interesting question last night, as I walked into Express for Men for their Annual Fall Clearance Sale.  By the way, I don't like their cuts after the switched over from the name Structure.  It isn't conducive to my body type the way that Structure fit.  But alas, I walked out with three $10 pairs of pants.  The offer was just way too good to pass up.  Geeze, low rise pants for guys.  Not quite what I would utilize and show off.  So if anyone knows who the old designer for Structure is designing at now, let me know.  Or if he's not designing for anyone in particular, I would like to add him to my wardrobe staff.  LOL.

Back to the question.  I was asked, "What examples would you like others to follow about you?"  Deep huh?  Even after I haphazardly answered the question with the confident but borderline cocky, "What wouldn't I like others to follow about me?" I couldn't help but ponder this very question for the rest of the evening and onto this very moment now.

With all my faults - hey, nobody's perfect - and shortcomings, no pun intended, it's hard for me to filter through all of that noise to find the diamond that gives me that invaluableness.  We are, after all, our own worst critics, which leads me to believe that this is a trick question.  It's a question to trick your mind into thinking like someone else.  However, I shall do my best.

Confidence?  No, I don't feel that I'm that confident, and confidence is not only common in many people, but it wavers in everybody at some point or another, especially in me.  Would it be my figure?  I definitely am not a GQ model, nor would I look good in the form fitting shirts that are all the rage right now.  I don't even do the urban look well.  It's all dressy casual or dressed up for me.  Maybe that's it.  Style.  Then again, a lot of people look good dressy casual.  That's why it's dressy!  The key is to having it fit right.  I'm not an artiste or a musician, nor am I well versed in anything in particular, be it philosophy, the arts, cars or sports.

Maybe I'm approaching this all wrong.  Maybe it's not one individual thing that's unique in me.  Maybe it's a combination of qualities that makes the whole me unique...and the whole you unique.  Yah, maybe that's it. 

We'll explore this further later.