I just love being XPO!  The formal was fresh.  Words would not do it justice.  You would have to be there to really experience the full effect.  I had a photoshoot earlier that day, so I was rushing to get ready and get over to the Clarion in Millbrae.  When I got there though, it was all good.  I was able to catch up with a lot of brothers that I haven't seen in a long time, share some good laughs and most of all strengthen each other for the future.  A couple brothers are expecting kids soon, others are getting married, and I'm sure that I will soon hear about brothers having girlfriends, and the girlfriends ironically being their formal date.  Spring does that to people.  Cupid is in overdrive once again.  I can feel his approach towards us.

There was a very poignant memorial for our fallen brother John Lopes, XPO 146.  It was less than a year ago that we heard the news, and that we as Chi Rho Omicron experienced our first death in the family.  I'll always miss him.  In the slideshow though, they showed the picture that we took at Ocean Beach with the inexplicable source of light in the background.  Inexplicable except for that it was John Lopes, looking in on us, participating in the bonfire that we made for him.

Mike's date, Melissa, who was drunk, almost yakked on me.  I was taking care of her, because Mike was in no shape to do it himself, and actually was yakking upstairs himself, and well she turned, and without any warning whatsoever, blew chunks.  I barely avoided the projectile attack, and saved my tux from what could've been a disaster.  She felt better pretty much right after that though, and she was able to stand up and get to their room.  Hope she didn't have a hangover in the morning.  In fact, I hope nobody from the formal had a hangover in the morning.  There were a lot of tipsy folks in the hotel.  Myself, I hung out in 3009 after the formal.  I got back to Sacramento at 6:00 am and after putting my stuff away and freshening up, proceeded to fix my headlight, which I had been pulled over for on Friday night.

Obviously, I had a long weekend, but it flew by, as time usually does when you are having fun.  The only complaint I had was not having a date, yet in the grand scheme of things, it was an insignificant setback, and had little impact on my enjoyment of the festivities.

Next time, you should come along.

"IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: The sky is the limit for you this year, and even the sky may not be able to contain you.

You have the enthusiasm and brains, so push yourself to a new high."

Well happy birthday to me!  I didn't really do much today to celebrate.  Aside from the fact that it's my birthday, this day was like any other.  I got a few e-mails from people wishing me a happy birthday, but otherwise, I spent it on my own.  My uncle and lola left before I was even up and were out the whole day.  You live by the sword, you die by the sword.  By that I mean that as a self-proclaimed loner, in a Wolverine sort of way, I often find myself in solitude with my thoughts, without a qualm at all.  The weather was great and I went out to appreciate the sun.  Fortunately, I was able to invest in some attire for my upcoming formal.

One problem though.  I received a call today from Lori, and she told me that she might not be able to go to the formal anymore.  She's having a health issue that she had some tests done on, which quite honestly is pretty concerning.  I'm praying that she's okay and that it's nothing serious, but her health is definitely more important than any formal.  She told me that she wouldn't be offended if I were to get a "back-up" date.

Overall, I have only had two formals where I haven't had a problem with finding or keeping a date.  Two out of four.  I must've done something bad in a past life or something.  Or maybe in this life.  Karma is great!  Just roll with the punches.  That's become an anthem for me.

My analysis of the situation is as follows.  I am hesitant to ask anyone to be a back-up because I don't want to offend them.  I could withhold the information of that situation altogether, although as a firm believer in the whole truth, I think that keeping that information to myself would end up creating a worse situation in the future.  However, I really don't think it would offend anyone, but maybe it would hurt their esteem ever so slightly.

The next factor is time.  I don't know if women keep dresses on-hand and sized in their wardrobe for occasions like a formal or if it is too close for someone to find a proper dress in case they don't.  A guy could just rent a tux relatively easily, but I don't know if it's harder for women to come up with an outfit.  They say that the wedding day is for the bride.  Are formals for the girl?

That's not to mention how hard it is for me to ask someone.  I had to totally psyche myself up and gather enough courage for myself to ask Lori.  Each year it's been like that for me.  Napakahiya!  However, that's just a stupid problem that I have to get over.

It's not all bad though.  Concepts in my favor are that if what I've heard is true, women like to dress up for events like formals.  Secondly, it's a fraternity formal.  Tertially, it's a Chi Rho Omicron formal.  XPO knows how to have a good time.  Finally, and most importantly, it's to go with me.  I'm a good guy.  I'm not nice though.  I'm kind, caring, compassionate, a good listener, fun-loving, and easy to get along with, but not nice.  That's more of a response to the notion that "nice guys finish last."  In any case, who wouldn't want to go with me?

Alas, who to ask.  Anybody want to give me some advice, tips, or clues?

Today is the first day that I felt really appreciated in a long time.  I went over to the Sacramento County History Day competition to judge.  Amazing what people remember about you after seven years.  In any case, the overall quality of the exhibits in the exhibit category was down.  Definitely sub-par compared to the past few years.  They asked me to host the awards ceremony last minute, because the country coordinator couldn't do it and the board member that was supposed to host it didn't show up.  I did it alongside of Maryclaire Poe, who was a student teacher when I was at Valley. 

Two representatives were chosen from each category to move on to the state competition on May 1, so there is a lot of time for the competitors to revamp their projects, which is the usual routine.  The level of work will expand three-fold at the next level. 

I'm used to seeing museum-quality exhibits, with artifacts under plexiglass, labeled, photographs as opposed to photocopies and printer printouts, and interviews as opposed to internet research.  I don't know what's going on, but the county needs to refocus their attention to the competition.  I was asked to join the Board of Directors.  What a privilege and an opportunity.  I told them I'd think about it, although I really want to contribute to it.  I just don't know if I have the time to commit.  Make the time I guess.  That's my usual answer.

If you want it, go after it with the passion, vigor, and relentlessness that will make it happen.  There are no failures, only people who quit too soon.  Circumstances may make goals hard to reach, but the reality is that life isn't easy and that we overcome things every day.  That is our triumph.  That is our glory.  When things come along that we can't seem to handle, that's why you have your friends, family, and supporters to keep you afloat when you're tired.  One can't do it alone.  Life can get better, sure.  You've got to work at it though.

Yesterday, I was walking to work from the light rail station at 16th St. and a manager from the office tells me how much she's looking forward to the weekend.  I tell her "I'm not."

"Busy weekend?"

"No, I just look forward to every day."

I didn't realize what I was saying until the manager sent me an e-mail later saying, that it was a really good way to look at things.  The world is really negative these days.  Today, I came into work, met a co-worker at the elevator, and asked her how she was.  She said, "Tired.  Good thing it's Friday."  I go up to my floor, pass a few co-workers and ask them how they are doing.  One says, "Thank goodness it's Friday!"  The others nod their head in agreement.  Finally, less than three minutes after I sit down at my computer, my supervisor comes and asks me how I am.  I answer and return the question.  She says, "I'm okay.  I've just been waiting for the weekend to come."

I don't know.  The weather has been great, the sun is out, and most importantly, I'm alive!  I don't live for the weekend.  I would rather live each day.  You never even know if you'll make it to the weekend, so what's the point?  Live each day to its fullest.  Smile, laugh, and tickle yourself.  Take the good in with the bad, roll with the punches, and all of those cliches.  One of the brothers told me, "You can't live your life on sayings alone."  I told him, "I don't.  I live off of principles, and only ones that make me happy."  So the next time you start thinking negatively, SNAP OUT OF IT!  The world and life is a much better place than you realize.

Today, when somebody tells me to have a nice day, I'll tell them, "Too late, I already am."

Respect.  Does everyone deserve it?  I've talked to quite a few people and they say that they give respect to just about everyone.  Yet they catch themselves saying that for someone to get respect they have to earn it.  I wask them how to earn respect and they say one has to give it.  By giving, you earn.  I guess it makes sense.

People also say that one has to have self-respect to get respect.  So give it to yourself.  Others say that they can lose respect for someone.  So where did it go if its lost?  Can it be found again?  They say one can earn respect back, but what if the person giving it, ended up losing it, and then never found it again?  It's strange.  I guess that's why respect is intangible.  It's not in any form of matter, but you can definitely feel it.

I caution people to not mix up respect and courtesy, as well as respect and admiration.  The way I see it, to open a door for someone who's hands are full is courtesy.  Respect is acceptance and understanding.  Admiration is more like a want to be like or possess a quality similar to.  That's just the way I see it.  How do you see it?

I've been five times more introspective lately, and I noticed that I invested my life fairly well this past year.  I say invest because life is made up of time, and time is the most precious commodity in the university.  It's not like gold or diamonds, that can be created, albeit by tremendous amounts of time and energy.  It cannot be grown, like rice and wheat.  Finally, unlike money, once it is spent, it can never be re-earned.

I still feel like I could invest my time a little better though.  I just ahve to avoid all the distractions that present themselves at practically every turn.  Things like the internet, TV, and eating out.  Even negative people.  I have to do more for the veterans and get the Pilipino Community Center built, and establish some kind of scholarship, especially with the rising fees and tuition.

I've invested a lot of time back into myself, in order for me to become better.  Hopefully, by me doing that, I can spread that betterment to all my acquaintances and friends.  I joined a couple shows and have made new friends, and have gotten back into reading, as well as working within the community.  I've met a lot of new friends and attended a few shows, and tried to enculture my self more.  I've also invested my life into a lot of people too, in an effort to empower them and give them strength.  I hope it's working.  How have you invested your life over this past year?

Finished reading through, "Struggling Truths," which is the next play that I am performing in.  It is long, but the characters have a lot of personality, and the subject matter is deep, with a comedic thread throughout.

It takes place during the Chinese takeover of Tibet, and two of the characters are the Dalai Lama and Mao Zedong.  In the play, they symbolize the conflict between the idologies of Buddhism and Socialism.  It's pretty interesting, and I learned a lot about Buddhism just by reading it.  One of the most interesting aspects of Buddhism is the concept of reincarnation, and how each time you die, provided you have lived well, you will eventually reach nirvana.  Yet there are people called Boddhisatvas, who, although they can reach nirvana, reincarnate to help others reach nirvana.  Now that's cool.

It got me thinking about if I were given another life to live, what I would like to be.  I'd like to be talented, to be able to dance and sing really well.  Or if I could be really athletic, and excel at many sports.  Then again, I wonder what it would be like to be someone as smart as Albert Einstein, or a great leader like Jesus, or Martin Luther King Jr.  What if I was a Rockefeller, but more progressive?  Maybe a great writer, like Jose Rizal, or a grassroots revolutionary leader like Andres Bonifacio.  There are many options out there.

However, I think I'd want to be Superman.  What a surprise.  Of course, my alias would be me, rather than Clark Kent.

Have you ever noticed how much you use the pads of your fingertips?  The reason that I notice is because I was wounded yesterday by an staple that hadn't closed all the way around the papers it was supposed to secure.  So the end got stuck in my middle finger and as I pulled away, continued to tear my flesh.  The bad news.  It bled and hurt like no other!  I got blook all over the files, and we didn't have a band aid handy.  Our first aid kit at work had no band aids.  I should sue!  After all, we are in a litigation obsessed society.  I could really use the money too.  That, however would make me a hypocrite because I chastise fraudulent legal battles.  The good news.  I have a scab that I can pick at now.  Haha.  I know, it's weird.  Yet there is something about the feeling when fresh air is exposed to an reopened wound after you have picked the scab.  Anybody else feel that way?

This morning though, my lola was removing some seams using what I think is called a "seam ripper".  It is a sharp object.  She stabbed herself on her wrist.  It was bleeding pretty bad, but once we were able to control the bleeding and clean it up, the actual wound was just a little bigger than my wound.  I took my lola to the emergency room though, because she asked, and as I have said before, what she says goes.  I really felt like everything was okay, and when we got there, they gave her a tetanus shot, gave us some neosporin and a band aid, and sent us on our way.  So, we're going to keep an eye on if it gets infected, and she should heal up real soon.  Her blood pressure was a little elevated, but I think that had to do with her being wounded too, and her body trying to send more platelets to stop the bleeding.

Dear mom,

Happy birthday mom!  It would be your sixty-fourth birthday.  I miss you, but I hope that you're enjoying your after-life.  It's been three and a half years since God called you away from me, and although time has helped to heal the gaping wound of your absence from my life, I can't help but wonder if I had done or am doing the right things and making the right decisions.  I feel the need to apologize to you for not graduating on time and for not getting married while you were still alive.  Those were the two things that you asked of me, and I couldn't pull through for you.  I'm sorry.

When I woke up, uncle Doming was talking to lola Titay about how I'm not married yet, making the implication that I am going to be alone.  You pressured me a lot to about it, and I hate it more than I hated it then.  I think it was because you were more direct with me, in that you told me what you wanted, but you didn't tell me what to do.  Uncle tries to tell me what to do.

It's not like I'm not trying.  I am working on myself, to make myself better, so that I can offer that special someone more than I am right now.  So it may take a while.  I know you'll understand.  You always did.  Uncle's empathy skills are not as refined as yours.

Lola is doing okay.  At eighty-five, she's still strong, but not as strong as she once was.  I have a hard time communicating with her.  I don't know if it's because she can't hear me or if it's because she doesn't understand my English or my Tagalog.  The communication gap is probably a blend of all of the above.  She wants to go to Guam, to stay with auntie Maria and uncle Loping.  I don't know how long she'll actually stay there, but I just want her to be happy.

A mother is someone who can take the place of anyone, but whose place nobody else can take.  I wrote a lot about you in my March 12, 2003 entry.  It still all applies.

I love you mom.

How do you express anger to your enemy?  To your best friends?  To a parent?  Have you ever noticed that we are so much worse with the people we know and care about when it comes to anger.  If I am angry at an enemy of mine, I usually don't even associate with them, so it's kind of a moot point.  With best friends, we'll argue and call each other stupid or what not.  With parents, it usually gets to the "I hate you" statements and big time yelling.

Is that because we are more comfortable with them?  Is that because we feel, whether consciouly or subconsciously, that we can get away with more?  I liken it to a sine wave, where the amplitude is the amount of love you give a person.  When we are mad, we dive into the negative, and can be as negative as we are positive at other points in the wave.  We show them more love and we show them more anger.  Maybe it all evens out.  That's the scientist side of me though.  Realistically, we shouldn't be that way.  We shouldn't mistreat our loved ones just because we think we can get away with it.

I have a couple of friends that were arguing with each other and one asked the other, "Why are you bitching me out, but you don't do the same thing to anyone else?  They did the same thing."  She responded, "Because you're my boyfriend."  Does being in a relationship change or raise the bar on morality?  I understand that one expects more from their significant other as far as understanding and tolerance, but that doesn't give you the license to go bashing them whenever you feel like it.  Nor does it handcuff them to accept all the abuse.  It's just ironic.