Some people don't learn.  A great example of that is my uncle's baby's momma, Aida.  She doesn't work and collects welfare as a reward for being lazy.  I've always had problems with her.  She used to live in the house, being my cousin's mom and all.  She's stolen stuff from me, some of which I've been able to recover, others which I haven't been able to because she went out and sold it.  That ended because I evicted her.  Served notarized papers and everything.

She freeloads off of my uncle, who has joint custody over Jennifer, my cousin.  He's allowed to take her on the weekends, but he always brings along Aida.  She sprawls out on the couch all day, running the fan and leaving the television on.  When she's around I don't even feel comfortable in my own home.  I don't trust her, and I fear for my lola's safety as well as my own.  Well my uncle, being retired, had her over since Friday.  I asked him on Saturday when he was going to take her back home.  He told me Sunday.  Lo and behold, when I get home on Monday, she's still there.  I ask him again, when is she going home?  He said, "She said tomorrow."  I was livid.  She said...  That isn't going to work because it's not her place.  She doesn't decide when she leaves. 

So as to avoid having to raise any arms against her I call the cops.  My uncle thought I was joking.  Well the joke's on him, because I'm not playing any stupid mind games with her.  I had to get the police to intervene when I had the first eviction notice and well, it still applies.  So she left.  I'm very tempted to get a restraining order on her.  She has a key to my house.  How?  My uncle.

Which leads me to another problem.  He refuses to acknowledge that fact that the only person he has to blame for his misery is himself.  He always complains about Aida, yet he always picks her up and takes her out every day.  Then he gets me involved by bringing her to the house to sleep over for multiple nights in a row.

When he quit his job, I thought, "Okay, he's going to retire soon and be able to relax."  He seems more on edge than ever.  He wants to go back to the Philippines.  In my humble opinion, he's running away from Aida.  There has to be some sort of psychological theory on this kind of behavior.  When I mentioned I was going to call the cops to help me enforce the eviction notice, he left, marginalizing my statement as a bluff.  Ridiculous.  In any case, after I spoke with the two officers in two squad cars I explained that she had to leave again.  So they did a few threats later.  I hope she tried to do something to hurt me.  I know it's a bad thing to say, but man, I'd like to see her try.  I'll have her with the charge that I need, and maybe my uncle can be done with this phase of his life.

My uncle's too afraid of being alone.  That's why he always talks to me about me needing to marry so that I'm not alone.  I will not let my family put any ridiculous, unfounded burdens on me.  I've got enough of my own just trying to be the head of the family.

After all that I went and caught Fahrenheit 9/11.  Good propoganda film with a perspective you don't see on the news and in the popular media.  I recommend it to everyone.

It's awesome how well my friends are doing.  My lil sib, Theresa Deguzman, from Mga Kapatid graduated, and is now a consultant for an insurance firm.  She even turned down a position at Lockheed for it.  She gets to travel, and is doing very well for herself.  She had a really nice graduation party at a place in San Jose called "Ituro Mo Kabalen."  Good food.  Go there if you're in the area.  Her boyfriend, Rolando sang a few songs for her on the ever-applicable Karaoke machine.

Jaydee Rubio and Lester had her wedding and although I wasn't there, I heard from Randy Valdez that it was well attended.  She's also going to med school out of state.  Lester and Jaydee had a long distance relationship while she was at UC Davis and he was in the armed forces, stationed in the east ever since she was a freshman.  It's great to hear that long-distance relationships can work.  I'm very happy for her, and I know they are both going to do well.

I went over to the San Mateo Marriott for the Delta Omicron Chi formal, in particular to see Manilene Rodrigo on her night of honor.  She looked outstanding and was beaming.  Another person to be happy for.  I know I don't have to say this to her, but to all those folks that criticize being in a brotherhood and sisterhood, you can't knock it till you've given it a fair chance.  I've never met anyone who's regretted being affiliated with great people such as these.  The other brothers and I presented and hopefully the gifts went to entertain everyone there.

Two friends of mine, Desmond Bautista and Kira Dela Pena just confirmed for me that they are getting married later this year, and the extra treat is that they asked me to emcee the reception.  Now that's pressure.  Naturally, I accepted, as it's an honor to do such a thing.

The brothers Chaez, Angelo, Leif, and Graham are doing well since joining Mass Appeal Productions.  They hosted a successful party last night over at Club Detour in Vacaville.

There was a Parents and Supporters of Sinag-tala (PSST) picnic today and I brought some Leche Flan.  I hope people liked it.  That's one of my "gourmet" dishes.  Want some?  Let me know.  This year is the 15th anniversary of Sinag-tala, so there is a lot of reasons to celebrate.

As for me, things are starting to ramp up as far as the Filipino American Youth Leadership Conference (FAYLC) is concerned.  I'm really happy about that.  So mark your calendars.  August 7-8, 2004 in Davis, CA.  If you can help in any way, please let me know.  Donate stuff.  Donate time.  Give us a word of encouragement.  Anything.  I really have a vested interest in FAYLC because it is the event back in 1997 that really introduced me to the beauty and power of being of Filipino descent.  I never really thought of it before that weekend.  It also brought my mother and me closer together, which I don't know would've happened otherwise.  It was there that we began to understand where each other were coming from and we really learned how to communicate more effectively with each other.  She learned to think a little younger and I learned to think a little older.  It's a lesson that a lot of parents and their children could use.

All in all, things aren't as bad as I thought they were a couple weeks ago.  I knew I was just being negative.  Well stick a fork in me, because I'm done!

I just found out that two of my friends just got engaged!  Man, I'm really happy for them.  I even forgot just how single I am for a moment.  I can't mention names, just because I don't know if it's common knowledge yet, and I wouldn't want to spoil it for them.  I know that the bride-to-be graduated on Saturday, when the groom-to-be proposed.  I didn't even know he was planning on it, although I'm not surprised that he proposed.  They've been a very serious couple since the day I met them.  What's your idea of a perfect proposal?  Where would you be?  Would anyone be around?  What would you do? 

I'm starting to believe that I'm a pretty negative person.  I always thought I was an optimist, but I think that I'm faking it, because society has led me to believe that being an optimist is the most productive way to be.  Actually, maybe I've just been negative lately.  Maybe I'm suffering from a mild depression or something.  I'm often critical and a lot of people would say that I'm overly critical.  Of course, that's an assumption since I haven't really asked anybody.  Marvin told me before that he's come to realize that there are different levels of expectation people hold, being "low," "medium," "high," "impossible," and then "Bobby."  I think I've mentioned this before, but I wonder if it's part of the source of my inability to find bliss consciousness.

A couple of people have talked about changing their expectations of people, of relationships, in particular.  I've tossed around that idea for some time, but I can't do it.  See it's not fair to me to "settle" for someone that hasn't earned my commitment.  Maybe it's not logical.  Love isn't logical either though, so the whole logic argument is out the window anyways.

A co-worker of mine, Mary Lee, asked me what I thought of dating an older person.  She was worried that this one guy she liked was "too old."  Forget all that.  If the feelings are mutual, and you're not breaking any laws, then by all means, all is fair in love and war.  I told her that if she was worried about it, then she was a) really worried what other people thought or b) shallow.  Who's going to admit that their shallow?  She didn't and so I say best luck to you Mary Lee.

She then asked me about my "love life" and I proceeded to tell her everything, which took up all of no time at all.  It's more like a lack of a love life really.  Negative self-talk has squashed all of my attempts at relationships as of late.

Back to the negative me.  Maybe I've always been this way.  Maybe positive and negative must coexist.  Maybe you can't have one without the other.  Sure, I must be the quintessential Yin and Yang, the essence of good and bad rolled up in one, wrestling, with each other, and a hint of each within the other.

Or, I could be totally overanalyzing myself and really, I'm just a guy trying to find my way through life, encountering some rough road now and then, but enjoying the sights and adventures.  Yah, that's got to be it.  It's all really simple.  Sometimes, like in this case, less is actually more.

If you haven't seen nor heard about it, Kim Sun-il, a South Korean, was begging for his life yesterday.  I feel really bad for the guy.  War is terrible, and all these atrocities tear apart the moral fibers of humanity at large.  Did anyone notice that he was begging in English?  Why wouldn't he beg in his native language, Korean?  Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it's another sign how dominant American/European culture is.  Or his captors forced him to beg in English.  Obviously, the US forces are the ones that are posing the largest threat, and the threatening and killing of civilians is supposed to appeal to their sense of value towards human life. 

From what I know though, soldiers follow orders.  They aren't really allowed to make decisions like when to attack and what not on their own.  They take a command, and they follow it.  People follow orders, or people die.  Not only that, but our commander-in-chief, Mr. Bush Jr., has stated over and over, that the troops will not be intimidated.  Oh what power America wields.  It's too bad we're wielding it carelessly.  It's too bad that others react with violence as well.

Ah Father's Day.  I went to visit the cemetery where my mom is buried.  My dad was never around.  My mom was my father and my mother combined.  I know I always say it, but I hope she's proud of me.  One of the things that has weighed on me was how she wanted to see me marry and for her to have grandchildren.  That would mean for me to have kids though.  It's not like I don't like kids, I think they are quite imaginative and can teach a lot of adults a thing or two about being happy.  My apprehension lies in the idea that I wouldn't be a good father, since I didn't have one in my life.  So much of learning is done through modeling and mimicry, and I just didn't have that sort of role model in my life, other than what was on television, which is unrealistic, especially since major problems are solved a half-hour at a time.  So I have to make my own model, based off of bits and pieces from strong people I have known, men and women alike, including my mom.  So I'll be my own type of parent, not having to fit in some mold.  After all, there is no template to follow.  Like with everything else in life, I just have to do my best.

Another school year is over, and another batch of graduates made it through another academically rigorous college career.  I attended the 15th Annual Fil-Grad ceremonies at UC Davis, and it was quite an event.  Thanks to some alumni tickets, I got in okay, and got to see a few of the brothers graduate.  My how some people have changed in many ways, yet not changed in many ways, but all for the better.

A few of the highlights were Mark Javier and his great student speech, where he dazzled the audience with a nonchalance as only he can.  His speech was short and sweet, and his focus directed at the families of the graduates.  Very poignant.  Karen Alfonso and Andrew Medina won the two annually given awards for Outstanding Student and Community Service, respectively, their names to be immortalized in plaques.  Of course, seeing a lot of alumni and friends that will continue their academic careers was great, and the graduates, some who I haven't talked to in a while, in all their splendid glory, glowed from their accomplishments.  They graduated from a University that accepts the top ten percent of students in America, a University that is the top research University in the University of California, that is still growing, that will become Division 1, and that I predict will be the top university in the University of California.  That's their alma mater.  Outstanding indeed.

One of the most delightful features of the Fil-Grad is how the graduates are able to say some parting words to the audience.  Most thanked their loved ones and friends, all with sincere and bright goals and aspirations.  Notable words included Konrad Amo, and his daring, "I have to go to the bathroom, so I'm going to make this short" admission and his running off stage to do just that, as well as Janice's friends running onstage to give her a graduation gift.  Of course, lots of dads got shout-outs in honor of Father's Day.

They join the ranks of those who have defied the odds, because supposedly Filipinos are the least likely to graduate from college among Asians.  Somebody please update that study.  I think it's outdated.

I wonder though, if I'm overstaying my welcome.  Patrick Pascual said he saw me all the time, and I'm not sure if the tone in his voice was just from being tired or sarcasm hinting that I'm more of an annoyance.  Then again, I am proud to know most of the graduates and that ticket sure meant I had a right to be there.

The graduates are equipped and primed for their lives to continue to prosper and meet each goal they set.  It may not be easy, but as the Mende say of Sierra Leone, "There is no success without struggle."

I went to the newly opened Cheesecake Factory (that's Tsiskayk Paktori in Taglish) last night and had some really good food.  My stomach and I thank Lorraine and Conrad and Cary for always inviting me to go out and eat in these fancy restaurants and keeping me entertained with their random conversation topics.  The place was packed, and we started with an estimated two hour wait, which ended up being a little less than that in actual time. 

We were seated in the "Rotunda", which our hostess said was one of the best spots in the restaurant.  I don't know if she was just trying to make us feel better, but I felt special, and that's all that matters...well at that moment...well not really, but you get my drift.  We were right next to a window looking out over a patio area, and there were spotlights going like the way you would see them around the Hollywood sign.

I'd like to have something like that at my wedding.  It would be kind of cool.  I'm thinking four spotlights with the Superman symbol in them rotating and shining into the night sky.  On Sunday was Oliver's wedding.  It was real nice.  A very poignant moment was during the ceremony when Oliver and Lisa turned and looked at each other and Lisa was crying.  Oliver used his hand to reach under her veil and just wiped her tears away.  I imagine they were tears of happiness, but I could be wrong (I seriously doubt that I'm wrong though, it's so rare that I am).  In any case, that simple gesture was really symbolic and an indicator of how supportive they would be of each other in their marriage.

The wedding was a Protestant Christian wedding, but they did some traditions that the Pastor called, "Filipino customs."  Namely the veil, the cord, and the coins.  I don't think they are Filipino customs though.  I think they are Catholic customs, but since a lot of Filipinos are Catholic, they've become synonymous with each other, even the same identity.

It's strange how that is.  I've heard Filipinos being called "gaya gaya" which is lifted from the word "kagaya."  Kagaya loosely means "the same as" or "resembling."  The reason this has come up is because of how well Filipinos can fit in.  This point is arguable, but I believe that it is fairly accurate.  The Filipino diaspora is incredibly diverse and Filipinos are spread out in large concentrations throughout the world.  We're labeled as Asian and as Pacific Islanders.  Many Filipinos are Christian or Muslim.  Filipinos are known to have an easier time with English, one of the most popular languages in the world.  Historically, we were called Mongoloids for a period, Malays for another period, Indios, Negroes, and countless other labels.

Yet all of these labels have been used to set up a perceived identity crisis among Filipinos.  I say perceived because we only have it if we see it that way.  We each know who we are regardless of what anyone else tries to make us out to be.  The best thing is that we are works of art, ever-changing, ever-growing.  We have to see it that way though.  See one often finds exactly what they are looking for.  I keep that in mind and always look for the positive.  Then I'll definitely find it.  I'm also very critical though, so I don't kid myself that everything is fine and dandy all the time.  I do know this.  A friend of mine named Glenda once said, "With all the family, friends, and support that we have, how could we not succeed?"  I couldn't have said it better myself.

Oops.  Preaching again.  Sorry.

"If you keep on doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting."  The more I try to reflect on myself, and who I am, the more confused I get.  "The man who walks with God always gets to his destination."  All these different roads are open to me, and I just have to choose one to go down.  "It's the set of the sail, not the direction of the wind, that determines where we go."  They lead to new adventures and treasures that many dream of having.  "Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit."  I know how to get to my destination.  "The quality of a person's life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their chosen field of endeavor."  Yet, I hesitate.  "He who thinks he can, can.  He who thinks he can't, can't"  I hesitate because of that inkling of self-doubt, that inkling that I will fail.  "Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy."  The difference right now, is that I've failed before I've even started.  "When we have done our best, we should wait the result in peace."  Even with all the little sayings and motivational mantras that I repeat over and over to myself, I haven't really put my all into reaching my goals.  "The world does not pay for what a person knows.  But it pays for what a person does with what he knows."  So what am I going to do?  "Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit."  I'm going to do my best, because

"If you want a thing bad enough,
To go out and fight for it,
work day and night for it,
Give up your time and your peace and your sleep for it,
If only desire of it
Makes you quite mad enough
Never to tire of it,
Makes you hold all other things tawdry and cheap for it,
If life seems all empty and useless without it
And all that you scheme and you dream is about it,
If gladly you'll sweat for it,
Fret for it,
Plan for it,
Lose all your terror of God or man for it,
If you'll simply go after that thing that you want
With all your capacity,
Strength, and sagacaity,
Faith, hope, and confidence, and stern pertinacity,
If neither cold poverty, famished and gaunt,
Nor sickness nor pain
Of body and brain,
Can turn you away from the thing that you want,
If dogged and grim you besiege and beset it,
You'll get it."

It's so worth it.

I don't think people are afraid of dying.  I think people are afraid of being forgotten.  Hence, the best thing we can do is to remember the ones who have already passed on.

Will you remember me when my time comes?

We'll see.

In any case, there's certainly a lot of ruckus going on in the office.  There's going to be a union meeting coming up to address some procedures that my unit has been taking when we are approving travel, which they say is a change in working conditions, but are actually stricter enforcement of old rules.  They say we are making new policies.  I say we are finally enforcing old ones that have been in place for years.  My name is in the mix of it all, because a lot of the employees that I am working with are the ones complaining.  The complaints hit the upper levels pretty darn fast.  I'm planning to go to the meeting.  I want to wear a shirt that says, "My name is Bobby G. Roy.  Got a problem?" on the front and then on the back put, "How can I help you?" just to ease the tension a little bit.  So, if you hear that a riot broke out of the California Department of Education office building on Monday, June 21, between 1145 hrs and 1330 hrs, I was part of the cause of it.  Am I rocking the boat too much, by enforcing old policies that other employees were too lax to enforce before?

I've been getting the "But I've never had a problem before with that" excuse.  I calmly explain to them, "The state hasn't been in a financial crisis like this in a while, Arnold Schwarzenegger wasn't governor before, and lastly, you've never dealt with me before with this."  All with a smile.

Speaking of smiles.  Have you noticed that even if the most wretched, forlorn, sad looking person smiles, you feel good?  For example, I was watching some footage of kids in a war torn country, looking malnourished and skinny, but as soon as they started to smile and play, I just felt better about them.  I just felt as if they would be okay.  Their pride became my pride.  It's contagious and it's great.  So smile at someone today.  It may make their day. 

Well, Filipino Fiesta 2004 is over.  It was successful except for a couple of hiccups (or is it hiccoughs?).  First, I guess two guys had to be taken into custody because they were going to jump some guy.  Race?  Ethnicity?  It doesn't matter.  I'm not going to contribute to your silly preconceptions of any particular ethnic group.  Second, about three songs before the end of the last performer, a big gust of wind, blew up the roof of the bahay kubo display we had, and one of the audience tent.  The bahay kubo roof didn't hit anyone, but one of the metal poles of the tent did.  In came the fire department with a gurney, and they rolled this guy out from the premises.  I pray he's okay.  Murphy's law strikes again.

Otherwise, the day was great!  It was cool for a majority of the day, as the delta breeze were keeping the air fresh.  There was a lot more room because they spread out the layout.  I think the audience enjoyed the performers.  I saw the women of Immij again!  Woo hoo!  I saw the Mango Kingz too, and Robski of Makamae Melia O' Polynesia.  I watched a Tapado Stick Fighting demo, which was a treat.  I had seen a Tapado practitioner on video before but never in person.  It's a powerful art.  The souvenir program that I helped worked on with Michelle and Conrad came out better than average.  It wasn't our best work, but under the circumstances of losing our original printer and not having all of our content on time, as well as special agreements made on our behalf without our prior knowledge, I think we did great.

Of course I saw a lot of friends, including my lil bro Marvin from Chi Rho Omicron, and my lil sib Valerie from Mga Kapatid, other brothers from Sac State, an entrepreneur of a woman, Jennifer Nodora, who I went to high school with, and one of my personal heroines, Glenda Macatangay.  I am thoroughly roasted, which happens when you are out in the sun from 0700 hours to 2000 hours.  Boo on tan lines.  I should've went topless.  Haha.  I got a book that is a collection of the minutes from the Katipunan meetings.  I'm looking forward to thumbing through that.

Oh and the best part.  I had passed by a group of people when one ran up to catch up to me.  Her name was Gladys, and she stopped me to ask, "Excuse, me, but can we look at your tattoo?"  I politely obliged and walked back to the group of four.  They asked me about it, which is a ka symbol reversed out of the sun from the Philippine flag in black, and I kicked down some knowledge about the Baybayin script, and what the ka means, and it's relationship to the katipunan and the revolution and independence.  Later on in the day, I was walking by some of the Pilipino Youth Coalition students and when they commented on the tattoo also, which I guess they hadn't seen before, I kicked down some indigenous education.  Back outside towards the end of the day, another couple of guys were asking about my tattoo, so I obliged them with some facts as well.  Three times in one day.  It felt good to dispell some of the ignorance today.  Oh, and it was pretty flattering that some folks noticed my tattoo, although I wish my arms were more ripped and muscular.  All around I wish I was sexier, cuz I'm just a lil sexy now.  Haha.

With the fiesta over, I find myself chomping at the bit for the next big project, the next great challenge that I have to meet.  I have this insatiable desire to work on stuff.  That's why I enjoyed being a student so much.  It was an environment where you were supposed to grow and learn.  Out here in the Department of Education, products from the employees are emphasized, rather than personal growth.

Fortunately for me, the Filipino American Youth Leadership Conference (FAYLC)  is coming up in early August.  It's the next big thing.  Time to kick it into overdrive! 

Sinag-tala planning is also going to start up, and meetings will begin next month.

Oh, and I sort of have my voice back.  I can vocalize sounds, but they don't sound good.  Haha.  I do have to say that me losing my voice was God's way of telling me to listen.  God was telling me to listen to others, and to listen to my body.  It is a good lesson to keep in mind.  So if I'm not talking, it's because I'm listening to you and your beautiful voice and taking in your wonderful insight and knowledge.