Today, I am wearing the "Filipino. American." version of The Debut shirt.  While in the elevator, I received a "So you're Filipino American huh?"  I responded, "Yes."  Then she asked, "Why do you think the Philippines has so many women presidents."  At this point I wish I had handled this differently.  I wanted to spout off on how the Philippines has always placed the woman at the top of the totem pole, always in a revered position, ever since pre-Hispanic times, and although the introduction of Catholicism introduced the ideas of original sin, and attempted to reduce the position and influence of women, the echoes of that tradition and belief continue to live today.  Rather, I reversed the question, and asked, "Why do you think?"  I have to admit, I thought that she wanted to try to condescendingly tell me about why the Philippines is this way or that.  My bad.  That was an assumption that was disrespectful and didn't need to be made.  Being socially conscious also means tempering our own assumptions and prejudices, or else we are doomed to be exactly that which we are attempting to change.

Influence.  Such a strong word, but such a fleeting, ephemeral concept.  One can lose influence in a snap.  One fast judgement, one seemingly insignificant mistake, and one's influence is gone.  Influence, however is not gained or lost in and of itself.  Strongly tied to that influence is respect, dignity, and character.

When decisions have to be made, those with the most influence yield the most power when they utilize it.  One's influence usually cannot be estimated unless it is compared against another frame of reference, usually another's influence.  It is usually the number of people that follow.  Yet followers can be ephemeral as well.  One also runs into the question of quality of followers vs. quantity of followers.

I've been reminded numerous times that my influence is not as high as I'd like it.  My weakness lies in my lack of charisma.  Any tips on boosting that?

As a direct response and defensive measure against making a fool of myself, I have decided that I am unattractive to someone, until proven attractive to someone beyond reasonable doubt.  It's in line with the innocent until proven guilty beyond reasonable doubt for trying felony cases.  Of course this policy can change whenever I feel it is outdated or invalid.  After all, as I declared before, I am beautiful.

My unemployed uncle has now taken on a new project.  He tore up our backyard and plans to pave it.  It'll make my backyard court look larger, and get rid of the wooden planks that currently serve as a walkway.  Who's going to pay for this?  Obviously me.  I just wish he could wait until I was in a little better financial situation.  It would have to be done eventually, because the wood was rotting and they had become uneven from the foundation settling.  He could make the area a garden, but it would be more functional as more patio space.

He also mentioned that he'll have to go back to work because while his first daughter turns 18 in September, she will still be in high school until next June, which obligates him to pay child support until June.  Is that true?  I thought at 18 she would no longer be his legal burden to pay child support?

Well, my co-worker just came by and she confirmed it.  She said that a child can receive child support up until she's 24 in some cases.  Well geeze.  Knowing that is quite a bit of incentive make sure that you're ready to take care of a child.

My uncle suddenly finds himself between a rock and a hard place.  He's not alone though.  With my family, we've always been in it together, no matter how frustrated we get with each other.  I myself find myself criticizing his decisions sometimes, but I've always faced the ramifications, or at least the deflection of ramifications along with him.  On to our next adventure.

So tell me.  Have you ever been friendly to a person, in an effort to be polite and friendly, and they read WAY too far into it and think that you like them?  Ladies?  Gents?  Have you been on either end of that spectrum?

Some people are friendly.  They like to smile.  Maybe they like to talk.  More often than not, they like to listen to what people have to say, and they'll even say that it's interesting.  Yes, you're special.  There's nobody else in the world quite like you.  However, before you go off making a fool of yourself by writing romantic prose or poetry for them, make sure that your assumption that they like you is not just a figment of your overactive imagination.  "everdearest" and "love" are not words to be taken lightly and thrown all over the place because your hopelessly romantic thoughts and actions got the better of you.

Rather, ask them what, if anything, is going on between the two of you.  Relationships start because of mutual feelings.  They last because of mutual feelings.  No mutual feelings?  It probably won't work out unless the two parties are in complete denial.  Then again that means that the two parties have mutual feelings.  So I'm right.  Oh, and talk to them right away.  Like a sore left untreated, the delusion you are living will fester and cause more pain.

So please, do as I say and not as I do.

In an interesting chain of events, my uncle and I worked on my Prelude and it's up again.  We got the radiator in and the car started.  I spent about $200 bucks on the parts, including a new battery because mine went dead over the fourteen months that the Prelude was out of commission.

It's not one of those newer model Preludes.  It's a 1990 Honda Prelude SI but I love this car.  I bought this car used with my own money back in 1997 and on my first day of owning it, picked up Vangie, and went to watch "Titanic."  Yes, the Lenoardo DiCaprio "Titanic."  It was the first car that I bought on my own.  To me, it was a sign that I was really growing up and taking care of business.  It was a symbol of my success, of my accomplishment.  A symbol of things to come.

Life is different now.  I still have hope that I can make it, but like the Prelude, I broke down, particularly when my mom died.  A lot of people say, "That's expected."  It's almost four years now, and I know for a fact that I haven't reached my fullest potential...and it's frustrating. 

See, like everyone else, I have to deal with the daily rigors of life and survival.  It's hard for me to make ends meet, especially when I have my lola to take into consideration and an uncle whose back I constantly have to watch over.  I know that other people have it tougher than me, and really, that keeps everything in perspective.  After all, I'm not like Jesus, whose future included paying for everyone's sins.  Now while I'm dealing with all this stupid stuff, I have neglected to really work on myself.  In a recent chat session with Chi, he mentioned that I had game, but I just wasn't playing, in a reference to my being single still and everyone around me seemingly getting married.

I just feel behind, with no time left to finish.  There were some predictions made about my future.  My life line on my palm is short.  Some kind of family curse.  I am not overly superstitious, but at the same time, I haven't discounted the possibility of those superstitions to be true.  At this point, I hope they are not true.  Who knows?  I have eight months and nine days to beat the so-called odds.  So be it.

I have to say though, a few things that I am very proud of include my work in the community.  When I go to Pilipino Youth Coalition meetings like the one I went to yesterday, I really enjoy seeing those students.  I may be twenty-five, but I still care about those students and want them to be able to engage in a activity that I didn't have.  They are so smart and talented, and well, it really amazes me.  Oh if I could only turn back the clock on myself.  Would I do anything differently?  Definitely.  Not because I regret anything I did, but I do think I could've made some better choices.

At the meeting, we all took part in this game they called "Curiosity" where they start to talk about topics that they are wondering about.  It started with the veteranos, went into the Black Eyed Peas and whether or not pop music could have messages the way underground music can, to the war on terror, the movie Fahrenheit 9/11, to other movies, and then to reality TV shows.  So I guess my mind is not the only one that jumps around.

In any case, because I talk so much, and I have that reputation of preaching, I held my tongue on some things even though I wanted to comment.  But now I will unleash my thoughts from my pulpit.  I'm not a huge music fan.  I listen to whatever my companion is listening to.  I buy what friends recommend.  Since I have a wide variety of friends, with an even wider variety of taste in music, I've bought albums from practically every genre of music.  I trust their taste, and more often than not, I do like what they do.  So when it comes down to "Is underground different from pop?" and "When performers go from underground to pop the way Green Day and Black Eyed Peas allegedly did, are they selling out?" I have to say, no.  Any performer with longevity shows change in their music and act over time.  Not just if they are big or small or with a big label or not.  They evolve.  They change.  AND, they have bills to pay.  Sometimes, it is hard to stick to your craft and be the social commentor that you want to be.  For each person, that threshold is different.  I'm sure they don't like to be pre-judged, just like you don't like to be pre-judged.  That's just prejudiced altogether.

Second, Krystle made the comment that there have been parallels between the war in Iraq (pronounced EE-rak) and the Vietnam war, also known as the Indo-Chinese war because it was much bigger than just Vietnam.  Well, everyone, check it out.  There was a tie made by Bernard Fall between the Indochinese war and the Philippine American war back in 1898- 1902.  Read an article by Luzviminda Francisco entitled "The First Vietnam" and you'll find out what I'm talking about.  I should've said this one, because I'm sure it would've been interesting.

Lastly, as far as "The Swan," how come nobody goes on that show and asks for a more Filipino nose?  I'm talking a flatter nose that doesn't get so much in the way when you are making out!  It's sort of indicative of our idea of beauty.  Any guys ever get on that show?  Why not?  See this is another rant on what is hot or not.  I've decided that I'm beautiful.  I'm short, stocky, bald, and OH SO BEAUTIFUL!  Immij has a song like that.  Let that be an anthem of liberation from the bonds that entrap us within our selfish and misconceived notions of beauty.

My co-worker came in today with huge hickey on her neck.  Hickeys are bad.  They are bruises.  Bruises occur when your flesh is damaged.  That can't be good.  She's a nursing student.  She must know the long-term and collective tissue damage that occurs with hickeys.  Not only that, but when I asked her why she let her boyfriend do that, she said it was his way of showing that he cared about her.  I hope that's not the only way he shows he cares about her.

I've heard guys say that giving someone a hickey was the equivalent of "marking their territory."  I usually tell them that they are insecure and need to get over it.  I was flipping through the channels and caught a glimpse of Judge Judy.  Some guy was sueing his ex-girlfriend for breaking something.  The judge asked her how old she was.  "Eighteen," she said.

"And how old is he?"

"Seventeen."

"What were you thinking?"

"I don't know."

"It takes guys longer to mature..."

I turned off the television after that, but this is common knowledge right?  Surely, there can't be any young guys that are mature.  This isn't a huge stereotype or a type of social mechanism to get girls to not date younger guys is it?  Every stereotype is grounded in a grain of truth but some stereotypes are twisted so far out of proportion, that it's utterly ridiculous.

And what about that double standard of how it's socially acceptable that older guys can date younger women, but not the other way around?  I give much credit to those who have broken that social norm like Bo Apostol and Sorcy Apostol.  That's a couple that, in my opinion, are truly in love, after at least 20 years of marriage.  You hear of couples being jaded after being married a long time, but there's those few that you just know still enjoy being in love as much as ever.  Haha.  I must be in the mood to watch "The Notebook."  I haven't heard much about it aside from the fact that it is a romance.  Maybe I'll give it a shot.  Who's up for it?

I really admire those people who are able to keep in touch with their friends.  I know people that constantly make phone calls to maintain their contacts.  Ryan Rea is one of them.  He practically does it on a schedule.  Everyday, he's on the phone with one of his friends.  One can always see him on his phone.  Other people keep in touch though e-mail.  Maylyn Angeles is like that.  One of our teachers, Ms. Nancy Gorman, in high school was having health complications, and she kept us informed via e-mail on how she was pregressing.  We just found out that she is going to return to Valley High in the fall to teach again.  My co-worker, Karen Nichols is 25 years out of high school and she keeps in touch with a lot of her classmates.  She organized their reunion in fact.  Conference planning is cool. 

That's definitely something that I want to improve upon.  I often talk about those friends that  you maybe haven't spoken to in years and when you see them again, you pick up right where you left off.  I wonder if things would be that much more special to not have that break in communication.

There are quite a few traits that I want to improve upon.  Self-improvement is the way to go.  Those are the things that are most in my control.

Something came up that is out of my control right now.  I found out that my ex-girlfriend, Evangeline, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  I have yet to do some research on the disease, but apparently, when the tests were done on her, they found marijuana and other drugs in her system.  She was admitted into a ward.  I knew she was acting strange at the wedding, but I just figured because it was her brother's wedding she was really excited.  When I was told of this, the first thing that flashed through my mind was that I had something to do with it. 

She was the last girlfriend that I've had.  I only had the fondest memories of us when we were together, and even more after we parted ways.  She was entering her senior year in high school and I was moving for school.  I made it seem like it was mutual when she brought up wanting to see other people.  She told me she thought eventually she'd marry me.  Part of me has always hung onto that.  How much more of a pathetic, hopeless romantic could I be?  I kept a baby picture of her in my wallet for a long time, and only took it out recently to put it in a photo album when my stuff was soaked at a brotherhood event.  She has had relationships with other guys, all of which I didn't necessarily approve, but it wasn't my place to say anything.  So I supported her, and just wanted to be happy.  When she dropped out of Sac State, I supported her.  I knew she got into some heavy drugs and talked to her about it, but none of it took hold.  I don't know.  She's on lithium now.  Maybe I should've taken a more aggressive stance.  If I really cared about her the way I think I care about her, I should've done more.  I don't know if it would've made a difference, but I feel like I let her and her family down.

You can have pride in what you do each day, but not arrogance in what you were born with.  Some things are natural for people.  Some people are born with naturally high cheekbones, with metabolism rates off the charts, large bone structure, etc.  Those can all be good or bad depending on what one has been socialized to believe is the equivalent of beauty.

So my socialism has led me to believe that tall, dark, and handsome is the way to go.  Well groomed hair, lighter colored eyes, sparkling, white, straight teeth, a good well shaped jaw, a muscular body, and wash-board abs.  Personality-wise, humor and confidence with a dash of sensitivity are very often highly regarded.

Me, I am short, bald and stocky, with a need for some braces and more of a wash basin stomach.  I am none of the above except for maybe the lighter colored eyes that are usually hidden behind lenses, with a particular humor, a smidgen of confidence, and a little larger helping of sensitivity.  However, I am proud of myself for not getting down on myself although I don't necessarily fit the mold that I imagine to be attractive.  I have pride in the fact that I know I am a valuable person, and although I sometimes lose that perspective, like an electron hovering around the nucleus of an atom, I am able to get back to my ground energy level, where I am most stable.  1S².  15².  12⁵.  125.  XPO 125.