There are so many candidates and issues to vote for, and I don't know what the right vote would be.  That's how complicated it is in the world today.  I don't know who is telling the truth anymore, or who is telling a flat out lie.  The measures and the propositions are so convoluted that they possess both good and bad points.  One commercial says that Proposition 68 has nothing to do with "Indian Gaming", which is a misnomer with racist roots anyways, since they are Native Americans.  That doesn't even mention the status of Native American tribes as "independent sovereign nations", which means they are nation states that are on the level of dealing with the Federal government, not the state government.  The fact that the governor was able to deal with the Native American tribes on those gaming compacts was a gift to him from them.  Then there is Proposition 66 which would amend the "Three Strikes Law" that on one side would release 24,000 convicted felons but on another side would only put about 8,000 convicted felons back up for review, which means that sentences would have to be reevaluated under the updated "Three Strikes Law", which would require that the "Three Strikes Law" be only applied in the case of a violent crime.  I understand it's a case of making sure that a convicted criminal get an appropriate punishment for their crime.  Yet, money is also always a major factor in all of the candidates and the laws.  Where will the money come from?  What will it be spent on?  Then the candidates that are constantly accusing each other of whatever immoral behavior and bringing whatever they can to the table to put a negative spin on their competitor.  This is why so many people vote for the "lesser of two evils".  Yet the most important concept to take with you is to make an educated vote.  Not voting is bad, but making an uneducated vote is almost as bad. 

With all that's going on, and where I've been headed in my life, I see myself running for some sort of political office one day.  When I run for political office, I refuse to be the "lesser of two evils".  I will be the good candidate.  Incontrovertably. 

Well geeze.  You know how there are those charicature characters on shows that get items of clothing that they are wearing stuck in things like vacuums, garbage disposals, and paper shredders?  Well let me join their list. 

At the department, we wear our identification badges on lanyards around our neck.  I was leaning over to pick up some boxes.  I put my hand on the paper shredder to balance myself and I heard it turn on.  Thinking I had just hit the on switch, I tried to stand up.  But I got stuck.  My badge was being sucked in.  I pulled up more until the lanyard clasp snapped and finally fell off my neck.  I reached down to try to pull the lanyard with my bare hands, to no avail.  Less than eight feet away, two of my coworkers huddled over a problem they were trying to solve together.  The shredder had a good grasp on my badge, and was determined to chew it up.  I thought, "Should I call them?"  I stopped myself though, because of how embarrassing the situation was.  It stopped because of the metal part that held the badge to the rest of the lanyard.  Apparently shredders don't like iron.  I reversed the shredder, and was able to get most of the badge back.  It was useless though, because the wiring inside that allowed us to enter doors was ruined.  One of my coworkers taped what parts of the badge were salvaged, but it still didn't work.

Now that I think about it, it's pretty funny, although I have to pay $10 to get it replaced.  Comedy.  Pure comedy.

I broke one of my own rules, and it hurt.  I typically tell myself, hope for the best, but expect the worst.  I didn't expect the worst from my interview and application, and well, I got it.  I expected to be offered the position.  I thought I was the perfect candidate.  Turns out, I was the next best candidate, according to Ms. Cunningham, who was the person that called me.  That was actually salt on the wound to hear that of the two positions open, I ended up being the third best.  I'm over it already, but it hurt when I heard it.  That's what ego does.  EGO. 

Edging

God

Out

Ego causes people to be overconfident.  Ego leads people to believe that they do everything on their own.  People don't.  People constantly are working off of other's ideas, thoughts, energy, and sacrifice.  So thank somebody, the next time you feel like complaining.  There's always something good to look at.

For example, I found an earring in the office and went around the floor seeing if someone was missing their earring.  Lo and behold, there was someone looking for their earring too.  When she found me, she was happy to see that I had the matching earring.  So I returned it to her.  Her appreciation was genuine and it felt good. 

All that I am and all that I ever will be is thanks to you.  Rest in peace mom. 

Edita Guleng Amoroso

March 12, 1940 - October 18, 2000

It's all still very vivid in my mind.  My return from the Philippines, my mom's appointment at the hospital where I was finally told of her advanced cancer, the numerous doses of radiation therapy, the rapid reduction in my mom's life expectancy from all the different doctors, the hospice care, my mom's expiration, the multitudes of friends and family with their support, and my involvement in cancer treatment and research.  To this day I still question if I did the right things and if I continue to do the right things, but I hope my experience helps others make the right decisions.  I still ask for advice from my mom.  Although I can't hear her answer in the way we hear advice from most people, I still feel her in my heart.  Sometimes it hurts of course, but I am strengthened by my hope, bolstered by her spirit.  I just want to fulfill my purpose, and positively affect some people along the way, the way that my mom did. 

I was at Davis, on campus.  It was a clear fall day, as evidenced by a tree's multicolored leaves shading the area where I stood.  From a first person's perspective, I saw this girl, whose identity shall remain anonymous until I have the guts to really come out and say it, come up and say, "Hi!"  I hugged her and kissed her.  Not one of those wet kisses or one of those passionate French kisses, but one of those perfect kisses reserved for weddings and what not.  A perfect kiss.  And I said, "I've been wanting to do that for so long."

And she asked, "Was that for me, or could that have been anybody?"

"Of course it was for you."

"That was so fast.  I felt like it was in a hurry."  And she repeated the kiss, bending her leg at the knee and lifting her foot so as to cause me to hold her a little tighter.  And it was perfect.  Just perfect.  It took me by surprise.

"I'm sorry I couldn't say anything earlier.  My shyness got the best of me."

"Better late than never."

We smiled, we held hands, and we walked away, to discuss how we could move on from there, now that the first barrier had been overcome.

Then I woke up.  It's strange.  I can't get this one dream out of my head.  I usually don't remember my dreams.  This one, however, hasn't escaped me yet, even weeks after it happened.  I've had a lot of time to think between my binges of business, which include community work, finding a more stable or second job, taking care of lola, and football.

I went to a group interview for "Zumiez" one day on a whim.  Raynelle just mentioned to me that day that there was a group interview and asked if I wanted to go.  I said yes and we were on our way there.  I got the job.  I haven't started working yet though.  It'll be my first retail job and I guess I have a few expectations to live up to.  I'm always open to trying new things and am always looking for something better, both monetarily and as far as what I enjoy, so I'm looking forward to trying the retail game.  Retail has its own culture, so I have to adjust a little.  If I end up liking it, who knows where I could go from there.

I guess I'm honoring those multiple people on the multiple times that they have said that I should work retail, or sell cars, or sell homes.  All I can say now is, "We'll see."

I've had to use that quite a few times.  My uncle has tried stressing to me that "All people will get married" or I'll end up alone.  He means well, but it's frustrating.  Sure, I'd like to meet the girl of my dreams and we get married and live happily ever after.  He wants to set me up with someone just so I have companionship.  I don't just want companionship.  I want a relationship.  He doesn't seem to get it.  Raynelle's mom shocked me the other afternoon when she said, "I have a niece that is looking..."  I sort of tuned out the rest.  I've had a few propositions like this.  I've even considered it a couple of times.  Yet principles abound.  If I end up alone because of it, so be it.  It wasn't meant to be.  I'll make the best of what I do have.  That is a lot already.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  I hope everyone realizes all the many blessings they have all the time, rather than only for this upcoming holiday season.  The holiday season is useful to remind people to be thankful though. 

Speaking of holidays, I didn't properly announce October as not only Breast Cancer Awareness month, but also as Filipino American History month.  While I was at a poetry workshop, we did a freewrite and then wrote a poem in the form of a poet from the Davis Live Poets' Society, who have long been a strong poetic influence on the Davis community.

First the freewrite:

Name dropper.

But do you know the history of the name you mentioned?

Larry Itliong and Philip Veracruz led thousands in their time…
But do they lead these days?
Or do you just drop names?

Lapu Lapu and his men dropped cultural spears and bolos on invaders.
Have they dropped their culture on you?
Or do you drop their names down without understanding what they stood for?

Corazon Aquino, heart of hearts, leader of leaders, she picked up the mantle of her fallen husband.
But do you really know what she did as the first woman president of the modern era?
Or are you just dropping names?

Trinidad Tecson, Andres Bonifacio, Gabriela Silang, Emilio Jacinto, Melchora Aquino, Father Burgos, Gomez and Zamora, Gloria Marella-Villavicencio, Gregorio Aglipay, Jessica Hagedorn, Hilario Moncado, Patrocinia Gamboa, Felix Manalo, Agueda Kahabagan, Tess Uriza Holthe, mom, dad, relatives...
The list goes on and on

And so the “Ultimo Adios” comes not when you can’t drop a name,
but when you fail to mention the importance of their contributions to the world.
And since a name dropper can’t do that,
who will don the mask and wear the cape to do it now?

Then the poem form exercise:

Red
White
Blue
Yellow

Red dripping
White floating
Blue falling
Yellow shining

Red blood oozing from your wounded body
Staining your pure white ideal of equality
Blue eyes seeking to intercept your freedom and
The bright yellow sun of liberty illuminating hope

One river of red from our fallen heroes
One white bandage useless to stop the pain
One cold steel blue bullet lodged in your torso
Eight minutes for the yellow twinkle in your eye to cease

You have fallen but we live in with pride thanks to you

One red stripe of patriotism and valor
One white equilateral, unilateral, totally compatible triangle of equality
One blue stripe of peace, truth, and justice
Four yellow distinctly unique stars of liberty

That’s the dream that I have thanks to you

One warm, red glow of love engulfing us all
One white dove of peace cradled in united arms
One blue sky filled with songs and voices of grace and beauty
One yellow, shimmering body, showing the way

Red of my blood
White of my heart
Blue of my spirit
Yellow of my soul

Have you ever had the feeling that you have left something undone and incomplete?  That's the way I felt when I went back to campus yesterday at UC Davis.  I really don't think that I pushed myself to do the best I could while I was in college.  At least not the way I did when I was in high school.  It's a mixture of regret, frustration, and disappointment.  I did have a good time though and I am thankful for that, as well as all the awesome friends and acquaintances that I've made along the way.  In that sense, it's really a mixture of the feelings I stated earlier as well as joy, excitement, and reminiscing.

I realized while I was hanging out at the tables and then at the MK Icebreaker that I definitely miss college.  I really could be a student in that environment forever.  Now I'm just a student, but not in that setting.  It's a culture where everyone is working towards a common goal, before many people are jaded by life.  I heard it again today at work.  "I'm so glad it's Friday."  Living for the weekend.  It's not like that in college.  Everyday is a potential party day, and at the very least, you engage in a lot of social time with your friends, whether it be between or after classes.

Simultaneously as I felt this pang of mine to see everyone from school, everybody made sure to remind of how old I was, and despite my best attempts at claiming to be a Freshman, they were all in vain and for naught.  I did get a "you're young at heart" comment, which is still similar to "you're old."  All my life, I've always been in "no man's land" where I don't quite feel completely comfortable, but I feel comfortable enough to stay there.  I'm probably not the only one that feels this way.  On most occassions I do something in an attempt to make things better, although it blows up in my face sometimes.  Then there are other times that I can't even bring myself to mutter a word to anyone or take any action at all, because of the awe that they inspire in me.  I got that feeling yesterday too.  How embarrassing.  I've probably had that feeling one too many times, and that's why I feel that a lot of my potential went unfulfilled.  Even with all the potential in the world, if it doesn't end up being used, then it just ends up a waste.  "The richest place in the world are not the gold mines of South America, nor the diamond mines of Africa, but the graveyard.  Because in the graveyard you'll find inventions we were never exposed to, ideas and dreams that never became reality, hopes and aspirations that were never acted upon."  I don't want any of my great ideas, dreams, hopes and aspirations to follow me to my grave.  I don't want any of your ideas and dreams to go to waste either.  Sharing is caring.

Not that anyone cares, but I do plan to go to the Fil Am Joint Meeting next Wednesday, again to reclaim my youth and maybe, just maybe, to exchange some ideas with folks.  You should come out too.