Seventy-nine days until the day that many of my family friends have told me to be careful for.  To accomplish everything I wanted and needed to do with my life.  Most of me never believed the stories, the superstition, but a small part of me still cowered in angst.  The more people I tell, the more I wonder if it is a self-fulfilling prophecy.  The less people I tell, the more it eats away at me and I wonder, unassured by anyone.  Hence, I prefer to not really talk too much about it.  Just vent a little bit at a time when I need to, so that I don't send myself spiraling into a state of depression or mania.

There is little I can do anyways.  If it's in God's will then no matter what I do, I will have no effect on the ultimate outcome.  It seems all my thoughts lead to that ever-so-complex dichotomy between destiny and free will.  Has God ever made a mistake?  Does God make mistakes?  I don't think so, but there are some very strong arguments otherwise.  The drop-dead bottom line?  It's all about faith.  Either you have it or you don't.

I have faith in myself, and my abilities, and my potential.  Always, the enemy is time.  Do we have time to accomplish and meet our full potential?  I don't believe we do as physical entities.  Yet I believe that our spirit lives on, that our soul continues to influence others, that our being is ever-present.  That's a beautiful thing.  Not a scary thing like the previews of "White Noise" portray.

Two of my fraternity brothers, Paul and Peter, who are also biological brothers, lost their father on Thursday.  I went to the funeral yesterday.  Paul is my age.  Peter is younger.  They have an older brother Patrick too.  There was a big turn out, and it seems like the family is holding strong.  Their mom is still around and they are blessed to have that.  It's little consolation for them, but they are so lucky to have that family.  I wish I had that.  God doesn't make mistakes though. 

When all is said and done, I hope that I have affected the world in a positive manner.  If not the world, then at least one person with whom I've crossed paths with.  When I'm gone, I hope that whoever thinks about me and remembers me will be able to smile, laugh, and be happy at that very moment, since that's the way that I would want them to be, and that's how I'll remember them: smiling for me.  Maybe I should be a photographer...

SMILE!

I went back to the Department of Education and was greeted with a very warm reception.  I guess they do appreciate me more than I thought.  It was good seeing everyone, and I didn't really realize that I missed them until I saw them.  The time that I was away definitely served me well.  I even felt productive at my desk, working on some projects that had been very tedious and repetitive before I went on hiatus.

The whole time I was away, I was sort of worried that my manager hadn't gotten my leave request saying that I wanted some time off, but it turns out she did get it, but she had interpreted it wrong.  Hence, some of the work was mismanaged and she had to figure out a way for others to pick up my workload.  However, the office survived, and can soon depend on my services more regularly, barring any strange setbacks beyond my control.

One possible setback that I have been thinking about more frequently is my lola passing away.  I am only thinking of it because she recently transferred to my care all the titles and deeds to the property in the Philippines.  One common trend in many people's deaths is that signs were around for those that were willing to see and recognize them.  How many times has one heard that Aaliyah, Tupac, The Notorious B.I.G., Elvis Presley, Kurt Cobain, and others said "goodbye" in an inconspicuous manner before they actually passed?  I still believe that people live on as long as their purpose in life has not been fulfilled.  Has my lola's been fulfilled?  Is she making her rounds to say goodbye? 

She definitely has lived a long life of eighty-six years.  She had three children, and six grandchildren that she took care of with the best of her ability.  She emigrated from the Philippines and earned her United States of America citizenship.  Through World War II, she raised my uncle and my mom, and fighting a language barrier, she raised me, Melissa, Jennifer, and even had stints taking care of Brian, Chester, and Sonny.  Today, she speaks okay English, and I struggle hard to not take away her voice, and her message, when I translate for her.  The spring in her step has definitely diminished and she grumbles about the weather, but she reads the newspaper as a daily ritual.  Yet her memory fails her more frequently now than even last year.  All I ask for is for her to be happy.  Not a sort of ignorant happy, like someone on anesthesia who is having their arm cut off, but a completely content, I am comfortable, happy like a person that knows they have done a great job.  She has. 

I just got home from work and I'm pretty energized still.  Sure I worked from 1900 hrs until 0400 hrs, but it was cool.  I was able to make a new friend, Nancy, after some small talk.  It turns out she did her undergrad studies at UC Davis and now goes to law school at McGeorge Law School with Rafael.  We were talking about Davis, mutual friends we both knew, like Suzanna and Thida, law school, snowboarding, and various other things.  Truly an intellectual superior to myself, this native of Los Angeles was also beautiful.  Her boyfriend, who is an entrepreneur, is a very lucky individual.  So someone who started out a stranger, ended up being a friend. 

I really enjoy the social atmosphere of the retail environment of Zumiez.  I get to meet a lot of very interesting individuals, and although I do meet some really rude people, I've been able to brush them off, and the result is that the really great individuals like Nancy greatly outweigh the bad ones.  It probably helps that Raine, my manager, made the statement that she really liked what she saw in me and hoped that I would stay beyond the holiday season.  I plan to, but we'll see.  After all, I'm always looking for something better than where I am at the current time.

I guess I just feel more appreciated at Zumiez than at the Department of Education right now.  Maybe it's just me.  Each has its positives and negatives.  I could do both really.  I'll see how it works out.

I actually witnessed today three kids playing basketball in the street.  One was Caucasian, and two were African American.  As one of the African American children went to retrieve a long rebound, the other African American child called him a "porch monkey nigga".  Oh how naive.  Oh how tragic.

Yesterday I was asked if I had ever had any retail management experience by our manager, Raine.  I don't want to read too far into things like that though.  I also received a pleasantly surprising, sexy and confident "Hey Bobby" from a very attractive girl over the Zumiez blowhorn.  We all need some affirmation every now and then.  Even as confident as I am, I like it too.  We played tag in the store, and altogether it was a fairly awesome day. 

After work, I went to TGI Friday's with Krystle, Noeh, Auntie Helena, and Uncle Dick, not for a very special occasion or anything, but it was a welcome outing nonetheless.  It's always nice to get your mind off of the daily thoughts that traverse your psyche each day, and venture into new areas.  It's not often that I engage in intellectual conversation in person.  Most of my interactions occur online.  It's somewhat of a safety net, where, I don't have to deal with the immediate countanances over mumblings I make that may not make complete sense.

In the meantime, I've realized that I tend to run away, when I start to fall for someone.  Love hasn't been very kind to me, not very kind at all.  I read this vignette off of Lucy's profile about reaching the apples that are high in a tree, because they are better.  The analogy was made towards girls.  Sometimes though, guys like me are afraid of heights, and of trying so hard to reach that one apple at the very top of the tree, and falling.  Then again, if we apply the "try, try again" theory, then I guess that won't be a problem, until someone more dashing and daring sweeps that apple from your grasp, even after you've worked so hard to reach the point at which you are.  Whoa.  Cynical.  I have to shake that.  One thing that I do know is that I have great taste in women.  All the women I have been attracted to have been outstanding people, of the highest demeanor and personality.  They are people who, if I were not attracted to them, I would have the utmost respect and admiration for them.  I would want them to be my friend if not a significant other.  Nothing has changed in that respect.  I guess that just makes sense though, right?

In all, take care everyone, and appreciate what you have.  We are all blessed in one way or another.

I spoke too soon.  So much for my confidence and my willingness to find out despite the risk.  Some good news came my way this weekend, and I found out that another one of my close friends is engaged, but I have to pretend that I am surprised and didn't know when she tells me herself.  I found out from the 4-time tsismis queen of UC Davis, so take your guess as to who that is.  So the clock keeps ticking.

In the same day, I got the "Bobby's my friend, I couldn't date him" comment when three of us were talking eligible bachelors of Chi Rho Omicron.  It's the same effect as the "kuya" thing, but easily more relatable to other races and cultures.

Of course all of this happened during this year's show, which went well.  While I wasn't on my best for the show, other people did quite well, and I am happy for them.  Some fresh new faces joined the group, like Chelsea, Lucy McKenna, Bernard, Harold, Marino, Marikar, and Andriana and combined with the veteran leadership of Conrad, Dio, Lorraine, Brian, Angela, Mario, Krystle, BJ, Lucy Macaranas, Tim and Gladys, as well as the sweat and dedication of people like Dee, Loui, Uncle Sonny, Auntie Letty, Keith, Mayette, and Auntie Malou, among others, the show was stellar.  The new faces really made their presence felt and the veterans took them under their wings.

As for me, I frequently found myself in among other wings, not being an artist myself.  I liken the feeling I have with how other people feel about calling themselves an activist.  I haven't found my niche, my place where I am comfortable, my womb of solace.  Rather, I sit in awe, longing for and never quite getting the talent to sing, dance, act, create music, and works of art.  I know I've been blessed to meet these people with all these talents, and for that, I am appreciative.  However, I often feel like my shortcomings are magnified by being in the presence of such strong performers.  Then of course, I get over it and "just do the thang," which just means do what I was directed to do.  Whether it is good or not, is in the eyes of the beholder.

In the spirit of the "Everything I Wanted to Know in Life..." series, I've created an "Everything I Wanted to Know in Life, I Learned From the Show" list.

1.  Deadlines can only be extended to a certain point.

2.  Procrastinate later.

3.  Bigger is better.

4.  The pledge of allegiance I learned in elementary school was wrong.

5.  I need to work out a lot before I perform in a tribal number.

6.  Tagalog is not necessarily harder to memorize than English.

7.  Exaggerated kalesas are heavy.  Exaggerated kalesas with more than a dozen children in it are even heavier.

8.  I'm either a tenor or a bass, or somewhere in between.

9.  Confetti cannons are fun.

10.  I deeply respect, admire, and love you all.  You are wonderful individuals, and with a community like this, how can we fail.

Like a puzzle, we each are our own piece, and bring our own contributions like brush strokes to a painting, to complete an image together, interlocking where we need to, squeezing and pinching, or stretching and extending ourselves where it's needed, to make one single vision for all to see.  That image, my friends, is beautiful beyond our wildest dreams as individuals.

My life is a mural.  If you take that mural and cut it up into smaller, individual pieces, one could see that my life would not be complete, nor as beautiful, without you in it.

I have this crazy wonderful feeling.  It's one of those cheesin' feelings.  Eventually, I'll have to say something, but the feeling is just plain glorious.  Wondering though, can be a pain, so, if I can bring myself to say something, I will.  How many times have I held it in and lost my opportunity?  Numerous.  However, this person...she's special.  She's so worth it. 

"...Be yourself.  Especially do not feign affection.  Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass..."

Wish me luck folks.