Looking forward to things is really a positive perspective to take.  I am looking forward to singing with the California Department of Education Gospel Choir this February to celebrate Black History Month.  The whole department is throwing a few events each Thursday, addressing an overall theme of contributions.  On February 3, 2005, a display will cover the contributions of Blacks in society, on the 10th, the contributions of Blacks in gospel music, on the 17th, the contributions of Blacks in daily life, and then the 24th will be Soul Food Tasting Day.

I am also looking forward to performing in "Pacific Overtures," a musical by Stephen Sondheim.and John Weidman.  This is a real stretch for me, especially since Dennis Yep, our director, put me in a role that has more singing than I expected.  I'll do my best, as usual.  I just hope that my best is up to par.

If, theoretically, you had fifty days to live, what would you do with the rest of your days?  Would you say goodbye to folks?  Whom would you say goodbye too?  Would you go adventuring?  Would you spend all your money recklessly?  Would you live recklessly?  I distinctly remember in the move "Armageddon," Rockhound, played by Steve Buschemi, went and got a humongous loan from a loan shark and went on a spendfest at a strip club with some of his cohorts.  Is that your style?  I don't really think that is for me, but at the end of the movie, there are hints of Rockhound and one of the strippers getting together and living, as the cliche goes, "happily ever after."

I'm sure most people have heard of the controversy over a "Tsunami Song" created and played by the "Miss Jones in the Morning" show crew of New York based Hot 97.  I finally heard it myself, and I would have to agree with most people that I've heard from that it is really insensitive to the tsunami victims and their families, lacks any inkling of ethnic or cultural sensitivity, and is outright prejudiced.  They call the victims "Chinks" and talk about victims mother's floating in the water with wood stuck in their head.  You have to hear it to really hear the full effect.  What was interesting was the argument that the staff of the morning crew had before the song was actually played.  At least in the version that I heard.  One of the crew members, Miss Info, identified herself as Asian, and she announced her position of non-support of the song, because of how disrespectful it was, thereby drawing an active and blatant fit of beratement from Miss Jones, while the remaining two crew members, DJ Envy and Todd Lynn, didn't do much to quell the argument. 

What really stuck out for me was how Miss Jones employed the same labeling on Miss Info as "the other" that is often mentioned in many sociological perspectives when there is an "in-group" suppressing an "out-group" or a "majority group" condemning a "minority group."  Even my Asian Americans in the media class covered how "black people" are more of an "in-group" in the media than "yellow people" thereby being higher on the media hierarchy.  It's pathetic that anyone has to oppress another for any reason.

One bright side of this situation is the apparent outcry against the song and ignorance.  Yet I don't want to exaggerate the situation because I honestly don't know if the protests have transcended culture, race, ethnicity, and generation, like stands in the past.  In our own little world, it may seem that everyone is talking about this incident, when in actuality, less than .1% of people are actually speaking out.  I know that a few focused people can make it seem that they are millions in numbers, and I hope everyone gets the message not to creat stuff like the "Tsunami Song" without taking responsibility for it and accepting the consequences, good and bad.

I went to "Media Day 2005," organized by the Nonprofit Resource Center.  I learned a lot about how to get your events well covered and advertised, and what things to do to make some solid contacts among journalists of print, radio, and television companies.  We specifically met people from local groups like The Sacramento Business Journal, The Sacramento Bee, Infinity Broadcasting, Fox 40, and national groups like the Make-a-Wish Foundation and People Reaching Out.  The other impressive facet of the event was the attendees.  They represented many areas of activism and were so passionate about their non-profits.  I was moved and inspired by them and they invigorated my spirit in regards to the issues that I am committed to, like the veteranos and the youth.  I look forward to utilizing the skills and tips I learned at Media Day to help further our cause. 

Speaking of which, the new Filipino Veterans Equity Bill is HR 302, introduced by Randy Cunningham.  Oooh, it's so on.  We 'bout to get hyphee up in this joint.

It's an amazing feeling when you can be a part of an event where a person's whole world view is affected for the better.  This past weekend I was able to do that by playing a role in the 2005 Pilipino Youth Coalition Retreat.  I served in a couple of capacities.  I was a co-counselor, or in Filipino indigenous terms, a kuya.  I had the fortune to work alongside Audrey Musni, one of the most sincere people I have ever known.  I also was a co-presenter for a workshop on leadership and facilitation, again alongside a very knowledgeable partner, Simon Magsuci.  God definitely was on my side in allowing me to work with these two wonderful individuals.  I couldn't ask for anything more.

I feel that as a team, the planning committee, the presenters, the counselors, and the volunteers all implemented an environment that so many youth need today.  That environment is an open one, where they are not judged for opinions, are supported in their goals and aspirations, and can learn responsibility for their actions.  I found a few notes when my mom passed away that she had written in one of her old notebooks, and have always tried to utilize the following when I work with the youth, and if I'm ever blessed enough to have a family of my own, I can implement like my mom did. 

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children lie with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

As mind opening as it was, in hindsight, it wasn't a perfect retreat, with a lot of areas of improvement present.  For example, I believe that all of us counselors failed to do our job during some of the workshops, where we should have facilitated along with the presenters.  One instance in particular was the Inner/Outer Circle workshop.  After talking with one of the participants, I believe that this would've also helped build some of our authority a little bit more, as at times the noise got out of hand, and no consequences were exacted.  I felt there was a level of seriousness that was missing from the event.  Also, I really failed as a presenter in my workshop.  I was boring, and nobody wants to follow a boring leader.  Simon, however, rocked it with a clear and concise presentation on facilitation, and I give him much credit.

The keynote speech from Glenda Macatangay and Alan Maramag was a great and engaging start to the weekend.  I admire their ability to connect with the youth with their methodology and their language.  I envy their charisma, which is something definitely lacking from me.  Alan's portion of the presentation essentially covered everything Simon and I were going to cover, as far as leadership qualities, and I could reference his presentation in each of my points.  In retrospect, I probably should've, but my notes were not comprehensive enough to do so. 

The "Past" workshop was good, although it probably could've been more poignant and have a stronger thesis to it.  Unfortunately, communication problems served to prevent more preparation for the presentation.  There were five main responsibilities to take out of it, which worked well in line with our presentation on Leadership and Facilitation.

The "Present" workshop was also better than I expected.  For some reason, I believed that only the females were going to be able to dialogue and the males would strictly observe.  I was mistaken though, and both were able to say their piece and have their voice.  However, I felt that, in general, the males didn't take the workshop as seriously as the females, based on the questions that were asked and the way that they were answered, respectively.  The facilitation from Glenda and Alan could've been a little bit better there as well, and some support from the counselors to facilitate as well, would've been appropriate.  An example was when two members of the retreat exited the room, and Glenda followed them out to make sure that they were okay.  I feel that a better person to have left would have been the member's respective counselors, so that Glenda could continue to facilitate the workshop along with Alan.  I also felt that Alan failed to maintain an unbiased perspective, and sort of encouraged the "testosterone-amplified" behavior from some of the participants, which led to a lot of "defensive" answers, rather than exploratory ones.  There was an established "three response" guideline at the beginning of the session that I felt stifled the ability to delve deeper into the questions.  Three responses just don't give enough opportunity to express the multiple sides of an opinion.  The first response may be in an affirmative or a negative, the second backing that one up, and then the third one will either follow the status quo, or divert from it.  Then discussion is stifled and over.  Also, I felt that too many counselors and volunteers were answering questions, rather than participants and attendees of the retreat.  However, the subject matter alone was enough to open the dialogue and the attendees to share more in our "Pamilya" times. 

The "Future" workshop was the one that Simon and I presented, and like I said, I am very critical of my presentation.  The format, a slideshow, was inappropriate and my explanations borderline irrelevant.  In retrospect, I would've chosen more ethnic and culturally specific examples for explaning the concepts, in an effort to build a stronger familiar connection with the attendees.  My slideshow had too many slides and too little support.  That was even with Simon's suggestions, which made my portion of the presentation stronger.  I can't even imagine how horrible it would've been without his guidance.  Simon's portion, however, was excellent and my opinion was further bolstered when the other advisors even said so.

The "Expression" workshop was good also, and probably one of the best formats we have followed ever, with each group experiencing their own workshop, which made it personal, as well as informative.  The idea that only your "Pamilya" had the opportunity to work with that facilitator also added value to it. 

Ultimately, the presentations from each pamilya during the "Open Mic" were complete and impressive.  Attendees got up and had their opportunity to shine, and even when they appeared to mess up, the rest of the attendees encouraged them to continue on, and in some cases, essentially perform with them.

The final "College Life" workshop was also good, covering financial aid and campus life.  I felt the financial aid portion was very thorough, and just enough to not overwhelm and bore the younger attendees present, but to really inform the older attendees that feel the financial aid portion was more relevant to them.  The "Price is Right" format was very entertaining, and a good format to deliver the information.  One critique though is that the presenters, probably unconsciously, did not openly validate going to a technical school or a junior college as an option in seeking higher education.  They omitted to mention them at all, I feel that they should be addressed.  The college panel, while fairly large and covering many aspects of college life, including going and transferring from a junior college, going and transferring to and between a University of California school for undergrad studies, going to a technical school, and attending graduate school, I believe still failed to represent the Greek life and, if Krystle is correct, the California State University school system.  I could very well be wrong on both counts, but I know that few of the questions covered those areas, and hence, my theory could not be tested.

The "Closing" session was powerful with many personal testimonies of thanks and appreciation to individuals and groups alike.  Overall, it was a good summation to a wonderful weekend.

What is it?  You ever wonder who the heck gets a Nielsen rating box and how they figure out what radio station is the most listened to?  Well, I may be one step closer to solving that.  Starting on January 26, 2005, I am going to be employed by Arbitron, Inc. to listen to the radio.  This means that whatever I listen to will have a dramatic effect on what is being put on the radio.  Is there a certain station that anyone recommends that I listen to?  Maybe I haven't ever tuned in.  If someone wants to show their support, let me know, and I'll put that station on the digital tuner.  Now if I can just figure out how to get the Nielsen rating box.  Then we can get rid of some of those really horrible shows like "Who's Your Daddy?" and keep some of the better shows on the air.

After a little bit of researching, I know what my lola's doctors are looking for.  Dr. Eng has tested her three times with the Westergren Test.  Each time the test has come out high, which can be caused by a few things.  Cancer happens to be one of them.  I would have to assume my mother's passing would have to be included in the "family history of cancer" notation.  Other things that can cause it are pneumonia, pelvic inflammatory disease, appendicitis, and kidney, bone, joint, skin, or heart valve infections, or even an automimmune disease.  Although the test results don't necessarily indicate that she may bave temporal arteritis, I know the doctor has mentioned that before as well.  This would also corroborate my lola's complaints of chronic headaches.  All I want is for her to feel better. 

First impressions last.  I do my best to make a positive first impression.  A memorable one even.  That can be a hard task when you are an introvert.  An addendum is to also realize that someone new is watching all the time.  It's really hard to break someone's first impression of you, simply because they are more likely than not to see you now that you've made a poor impression on them.

That's really just the tip of the iceberg as far as I'm concerned.  I'm always trying to make a good impression, no matter how long I've known a person.  Sometimes I fail and sometimes I succeed.  I just hope that when it's all said and done that my good impressions outweigh my bad ones.  If I've left a bad impression with you, I apologize and I hope I'll have an opportunity in the future to make it up to you.

I picked up a book the other day called "A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches of Martin Luther King Jr." full of primary source Martin Luther King Jr's writings, unedited and uncommented on, from sermons he gave to letters he wrote to his wife and speeches he made addressing people from the million man march and other protests that he was a part of.  I haven't been able to crack it open yet, but I think with the Martin Luther King Jr. weekend coming up, what better way to spend it reading his words, and analyzing his thoughts and his inspirations.

Doris Matsui is going to run for her late husband's position in Congress.  The Sacramento Bee has referred to her as a powerful candidate.  Still researching.

I saw "Elektra" last night with some lovely ladies.  A comic book fan, I was intrigued by how the producers adapted the comic book story and, how they expressed it on the silver screen.  However, a lot of the knowledge I gained from my Asian American studies classes really sprouted forward as I watched many of the same typical portrayals of Asian Americans in that movie.  I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone else before they go watch it with my analysis of the particular scenes, but I will mention that the themes that stood out were that of the "Great White Father", the "Immigrant Hustler", the "Yellow Germ", hand-in-hand with the "Euro-American Intercession", and the "They All Look Alike" concept.  A positive spin of the movie is that Elektra is an empowered heroine.  However, we even learned of the concept of "Race Privilege" in our classes. 

It's sometimes difficult when your mind's analytical framework is constantly at work to "just enjoy a movie."  The thing is that everyone who does just that is influenced a lot by it, and not of other sources of knowledge and information.  I'd much rather watch a good, righteous movie, if ever one comes out. 

I was able to hustle for another pass for two to the "Elektra" screening.  I have a couple of takers for the passes, and one more spot.  Maybe I can land another pass before the day is over.

I had an interesting conversation with some folks regarding relationships, and how people's criteria change with age.  For example, age is a factor for a lot of people.  Aside from the whole "sex with a 17 year old or younger is statutory rape" but once one hits 21, I noticed how suddenly people don't even want to go to 18 and over parties.  It's some sort of invisible barrier.  It's not much of one, but it's there to get in the way.

For example, John's "age range" has moved up as he has gotten older.  The range hasn't gotten larger, but just transported upward.  I asked him, "What if you meet a young person that is really mature and has a lot of life experience?"  He immediately responded that it still wouldn't work, because the two individuals are at a different place in their lives and will be looking for different things from the relationship.  John feels that his "window to meet someone at Davis" closes as time goes on.  He also feels that his working environment doesn't lend to meeting someone there.  John is far too social to not eventually meet someone again. 

Another mutual friend, Golda, mentioned how even though people don't admit it, looks matter.  I had to add that height matters too.  At least, for the most part, it has in my experience.  All in all, it stems down to that initial attraction for one another, exclusive of charm and personality.

Simon even chimed in that once you get "comfortable", you have to break it off.  I didn't quite understand that one, but others in the room seemed to agree.  I'll have to probe that comment more at a later time. 

We even got into a conversation that girls are constantly thinking three steps ahead, and what a guy may think as a complete random act, is actually calculated and done to produce some sort of result.  Essentially, I think it's called manipulation.  I would like to add that that I believe that depends on the individual, and not necessarily due to gender or sexual preference.

One commonality that John and I found was our penchant to date someone and our significant other's ability to land that long term, serious relationship afterwards.  One of my ex-girlfriends is now married and expecting, and one is in a long-term relationship, which will more than likely head in that direction.  My last ex-girlfriend I have lost touch with after she moved.  John and I agreed that we are awesome sculptors of great confidence in women.  John's caveat is that this concept usually happens to women that he has happened to meet who just got out of relationships, or as some would say, "on the rebound".

As for me, my analysis of myself is that I am open to a younger woman who is mature, as long as we can connect in some amazing, indescribeable, ethereal way.  Of course physical attraction may be applicable, but intellectual and emotional attraction is a must.  I tend to notice hair, smile, and eyes, in that order.  Ultimately however, relationships are built on mutual attraction and understanding of two individuals.

I remember a creation myth where people had 2 heads, 4 arms, and 4 legs.  They were happy and perfect.  Then the God of mischief went and used lightning and other higher powers to divide them up, and scattered them across the world, splitting up the beings to have one head, 2 arms, and 2 legs.  To this day, these people seek to be complete with their other half.  Just some hope that one is meant to be with someone out there in the world.

Bonus!  I got a pass for two to an "Elektra" screening!  Will I be able to go?  Later today, I'll find out my work schedule next week, so I have to keep my fingers crossed.  Although only a small success, if you can consider it one, I need to share this wealth.  After all, sharing is caring.

"Patience is love's security."  My mom used to tell me this.  It's deep, when you really think about it.  A lot of people believe that love is a very strong, if not the strongest force, in the world.  Love can be blissfully "smile cheesy" fulfilling, or excrutiatingly "rip out your heart and squash it" painful at times.  It is incredibly potent.  However, patience can keep love strong and positive.  Think about it:  Say you love someone or something.  However, you cannot have them or it at the moment.  Be patient.  Or let's say someone you love is frustrating you.  Be patient.  Because if you were to snap or yell, then that love is strained and tested.  Patience is love's security. 

If you think about love, it goes hand in hand with patience as well.  Love can be expressed as patience.  Just as the President of the United States has the secret service, Love has Patience as it's security.

I strive to be patient.  I strive to be secure.  I strive to love. 

I fear regret more than rejection.  Really, I shouldn't fear either.  People are born with two inherent fears:  the fear of falling and the fear of loud sounds.  Regardless, somewhere along the path I took of life I learned to not like regret or rejection.

I've been rejected over and over, from plays, teams, people, relationships, families, jobs, awards, girls, etc.  Although each situation was hard to get over in their own individual way, eventually, I recovereed and moved on, simply because there are bigger and better things.  The evidence is that I still am able to laugh and smile, and entertain others.  I've even self-rejected, telling myself that I'm not good enough for that person that I have a crush on, and self-destructive things like that.  Ironically, I am doing that right now.  I've been brokenhearted, many times in fact, and that's the hardest type of rejection to get over, in my opinion.  Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs says that we all seek to be accepted.  How true is that?  Are all of our needs equal in intensity?  I can take being rejected by a whole slew of circumstances, environments and people.  When it comes to personal relationship rejection, that's where I am really vulnerable.  Too vulnerable.  I fear personal rejection.  Just a little, but I fear it enough to not even stick my neck out.

Regret though, eats at me, and I fear it more.  For example, I regret leaving the house the day my mom died.  My lola called me to come home.  I was out getting my car fixed.  I thought I needed to get out, and take a break.  I thought I'd do something productive.  I was doing something for me and everything should've been for my mom.  How selfish.  How disgusting.  So that's regret.  It's killer.  I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself.  I don't know how I could.