January 5, 2005
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I fear regret more than rejection. Really, I shouldn't fear either. People are born with two inherent fears: the fear of falling and the fear of loud sounds. Regardless, somewhere along the path I took of life I learned to not like regret or rejection.
I've been rejected over and over, from plays, teams, people, relationships, families, jobs, awards, girls, etc. Although each situation was hard to get over in their own individual way, eventually, I recovereed and moved on, simply because there are bigger and better things. The evidence is that I still am able to laugh and smile, and entertain others. I've even self-rejected, telling myself that I'm not good enough for that person that I have a crush on, and self-destructive things like that. Ironically, I am doing that right now. I've been brokenhearted, many times in fact, and that's the hardest type of rejection to get over, in my opinion. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs says that we all seek to be accepted. How true is that? Are all of our needs equal in intensity? I can take being rejected by a whole slew of circumstances, environments and people. When it comes to personal relationship rejection, that's where I am really vulnerable. Too vulnerable. I fear personal rejection. Just a little, but I fear it enough to not even stick my neck out.
Regret though, eats at me, and I fear it more. For example, I regret leaving the house the day my mom died. My lola called me to come home. I was out getting my car fixed. I thought I needed to get out, and take a break. I thought I'd do something productive. I was doing something for me and everything should've been for my mom. How selfish. How disgusting. So that's regret. It's killer. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself. I don't know how I could.
Comments (1)
On September 19th, 2003, Leina and I took her dad to the dialysis center. It was a Friday, and the movie Underworld had just opened at UA. After dropping him off, we went to watch the movie. Right before the movie started I got a call on my cell from Leina's little cousin Shaun, so I ignored it. He called me 6 times in a row within 5 minutes, so I was getting pissed and I turned off the phone. After the movie Leina and I went somewhere else (can't remember if we went out for Starbucks or some other restaurant), but I forgot to turn my phone back on. When we went back to her house, there was a note on her door from her mom telling us to go straight to Mercy Hospital. Leina called her sister in New York and then started crying. I finally turned on my cell and saw that I had 37 missed calls from just about every member of Leina's family.
The weird thing is that Leina and I rarely ever go out to the movies together, and even when we do, I have to drag her out of the house and it has to be a highly-anticipated movie. For some reason, Leina was actually the one who suggested that we watch Underworld. The one time that we decide to go to the movies, I get one of the most important phone calls I'll ever receive in my life, and I ignored it.
I regret ignoring Shaun's calls that day. I regret turning off my cell. Leina's dad was still alive when the movie started, and was being transported to Mercy when Shaun called. If I had answered that call, maybe Leina and I could've made it to Mercy to see him alive one last time. But I didn't answer the call, and I regret it. At this point, it's probably the biggest regret in my life.
At the time, Leina didn't have a cell phone and the only way people could reach her when she was out with me was by calling me. For the longest time I despised myself because I kept telling myself that it was my fault that Leina couldn't see her dad one last time. If only I had answered that call...
But Leina never blamed me for anything. None of her family ever blamed me. Leina says that it's weird how she wanted to go to the movies that day. Shaun usually calls me for unimportant reasons, and being at the movies, it was only natural that I turn my phone off. It was just a weird series of events that somehow came together to prevent us from getting to the hospital until after Leina's dad had passed.
The point is that you can't blame yourself for not being home when your mom died. You couldn't possibly have known what was going to happen that day, and it's not your fault at all. Even though you regret not being home that day, you can't beat yourself up for it. Just like telling yourself that you're "not good enough" for that special girl, not forgiving yourself is also self-destructive. You can't dwell on past things like that or it'll consume you and you'll never be happy. I know that your mom would never blame you for not being there. You have to forgive yourself. I know it's easier said than done...I've been through it. But once you're ready to forgive yourself, that's when you'll be ready for healing.
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