One doesn't fall in love.  One grows into love, and love grows into them.  Commitment is also realized and truly demonstrated during the hard times, not during the prosperous times.  When life is hard, and one doesn't know where to turn to, the folks that stick around or come around are the ones that can be considered more than friends.  They don't necessarily need to be the people that call everyday.  Maybe contacting one another happens a few times a year.  Yet when that contact does take place, not a beat has been missed, and the relationship picks up right where it left off.  In some ways, things have changed, but not in a detrimental fashion, and not in a way that the two individuals aren't able to get past.

At the Pilipino Empwerment Conference (PEC), there was a workshop on abusive relationships that really hit home.  The facilitators briefly covered different types of abuses, and even came up with examples of abuses that are typically not categorized as abuse, like sibling abuse, which is often chalked up to sibling rivalries, or being kids, as well as parental abuse, which is often called generation gap issues or cultural gap issues. 

One that really stuck out in my mind was financial abuse of parents.  One individual talked about how it was their parent's "obligation" to purchase stuff.  Taken out of context, that sounds really bad.  However this individual continued on to mention that one of their parents didn't provide emotional support so the financial support was to make up for that.  I have a friend who complained that their parents would only give material support, and not give emotional support.  I have a few friends that talk about that as well. 

I believe that it's a fairly strong constant among first generation Filipino American parents and second generation Filipino American children.  The correlation is that in the Philippines, many parents grew up without material items, and that was such a strong factor in their lives that material wealth is emphasized.  This often becomes expressed in urging their children to become "doctors, nurses, engineers, lawyers, etc."  While they were brought up with those same expectations, the state of the Philippine economy doesn't support such lofty expectations for so many people.  Here in the US, it is more attainable, yet I would argue that it is not as easy as American ideals project it to be. 

Second generation Filipino Americans see on television a family that gets together, discusses issues, and can resolve it in a convenient 30 minute time slot.  If only problems were that simple to fix.

Yet all of these things, I'm sure someone else has covered in their writings or theories.  Anyone have any leads?  I'd like to research it.

One thing that stuck out in my mind at PEC was said by Jesse Owens, of the Counseling and Psychological Services, who used the term "toxic relationships."  He said that one has to get out of toxic relationships to approach happiness.  He also mentioned that in romantic relationships, couples often forget to sit down and talk about their relationship, and that's a reason that "why were you late?" arguments blow up into "you don't love me!" arguments.

One of the first things that John C. Maxwell talks about in leadership is the ability to establish and maintain strong relationships.  It all relates.  How can we become better individuals, and progressive citizens if we cannot maintain our own personal relationships.  How we view our personal relationships must be related to how we view our professional relationships as well.  It makes sense to me.

John C. Maxwell is having a leadership training in Sacramento in October of this year.  I'm trying to put together a large group to go and check it out.  The registration fees start at $139/person, with discounts with groups of 10 or more.  It would be nice to take some if this knowledge back to out communities.  They don't really teach this stuff in classes at school.

Oh, and I got home from rehearsal just in time to catch the announcement of the best actor award.  Go Jamie Foxx!  He's an individual that counts his blessings.  He's so multi-talented.  I have his album, and it's great.  I own a lot of his movies, and they are awesome.  Yet, when it came down to recognize the people that he owed it all to, he made sure to acknowledge his grandma, with whom he grew up with. 

In the Barbara Walters special that aired after the show, but was taped before the show, Jamie Foxx was told that if he won the best actor award, he would join Sidney Poitier and Denzel Washington as the only black actors to win the award.  She asked if it was important to be black.  I think he gave a splendid answer.  He said, "It is important FIRST to recognize that I'm a black actor."  He continued to talk about how he would join a list of public figures that black individuals could look at and see a role model in.  That's the truth, and it's so needed.

All in all, there's a lot of work that we must do to live up to these American ideals. 

In the mean time, God bless everyone.

I saw "American Adobo" last night.  Except for a few parts that dragged, I thought it was a very thoughful, poignant movie, a mixture of historical data, Filipino archetypes, and identity issues - "Adobo" at its best.  That's what adobo is.  You take a main ingredient, fish, beef, pork, poultry, vegetables, and you "adobo" it, adding spices and vinegar.  Then you let it stew.  Amazing how food can be essentialized into life.

It's funny how things always work out, even if they work out exactly how you didn't want them to, or expect them to.  As of yesterday, I was quadruple booked for tomorrow.  I was planning to take an exam at 8:00 AM at Cal Expo, drive to Davis to do the keynote, drive back to Arden to work, and then drive back to Davis again to sit on a panel.  Then someone called me to take my shift at work, the original keynote speakers to whom I was a backup for confirmed that they could make it, and finally I got another shift of work converted to an "on-call" shift, for which my manager mentioned that they probably wouldn't need me.  So I can focus on my exam, and do my best on it.  Even if things hadn't come together last night, I'm sure somehow, everything would've been okay.  That's faith.  Just believe that it'll happen.  One may not know how, but if one truly believes that it'll happen, it will.

I've been asked to talk about balancing work and play at a workshop.  I think I have too much to say.  I haven't found an easy way to talk about it, because we all have our own formulas that may or may not work for each other.  Balance is the key though, and making sure that we are always moving toward a better place.  Sometimes what starts as play becomes work too.  I used to bowl for fun.  Then it became too competitive, and I just didn't enjoy it as much.  So I quit.  I left everything I owned in my locker.  All I have now are my memories and a few trophies that I earned along the way.  I don't see myself getting back into it either.  Not at this point in my life.  Who knows though.  I'm sure other people have gone through similar experiences.  Anyways, if you have any tips on balancing work and play, please let me know.

When you've hoped for this day for so long, you've heard your deceased mom had expressed her wanting to see this day occur, and your family stresses you about it all the time, you build up some very lofty expectations as well as a pang of hopelessness.  Now that it has come true, I'd have to say I realize now why it is such a special occasion.  I held her hands, and her palms were sweaty from being so nervous.  She apologized, to which I assured her that there was nothing to be nervous about. 

As I recited the words that the minister read, I felt joy and pride well up in my being.  He also provided some advice, like settling arguments before going to sleep, communicating, having fun and making people smile, and especially forgiving.  I couldn't help but beam and smile as I stood there, side-by-side with her.  It was uncontrollable, whose source was deeper than even my heart or my mind.

With her being from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, I really never expected this to happen, especially to me.   I'm happy it did though.  Thank God for bringing Amelita in to my life.

Five days after Valentine's Day, like the five fingers of my hand clasped around hers.  One day afer the anniversary of the signing of the Recission Act because the day after changed the lives of hundreds of thousands of people.  After today, I feel my life is going to be very different as well. 

When a beam of white light from God shines upon people, it's a wonderful sight.  Fatima gave me a new quotation to use: "When you are born, you are crying while everyone is smiling down on you.  When you die, everyone is crying while you are smiling down on them."  I truly believe that BJ fulfilled his purpose, which is no easy task to describe, because he served people on so many levels and in so many ways.  It went beyond the meaning of words.  Language can be so imprecise sometimes.  As for me, thank you, BJ, for choosing me to pass on your messages.  It is an honor and a privilege.  I don't know why you chose me, as I'm sure there are people more worthy and more capable, as well as closer to you, but thank you.  Of course, thank you to the De Borja's for facilitating the translation as well.  Maybe it's one of those instances where the message coming from a stranger is stronger than coming from a friend, because of the idea that friends are obligated to say comforting words, and strangers wouldn't give a damn to say comforting words.  Thank you BJ for empowering me.

I never liked it when people made fun of the word "empower," and any versions thereof, especially during group meetings.  I won't mention any names of groups, because they do other good things, and I'm not trying to taint their image.  I just want to point something out.  What kind of message does making fun of a positive word send?  In a world where people are entirely too negative, we need more positive influences, even simple words.

I'm reinvigorated because of two Full Equity Bills, one in the House (HR 302) and one in the Senate (S 146).  The struggle for full equity has never been in such a good position the this early in a Congressional session.  We've already missed out on so many chances.  Let's not miss out on this one.  Come help me.  Come help us.

I sort of feel the need to call some people out.  It's about a particular strain of feminism in society.  I wasn't able to express it then, but on a small scale that type of feminism reared its ugly head at the PYC retreat.  I believe men in lower economic classes have been getting a raw deal as well as women in the last ten years.  Here's why: There is this very polarizing ideology of feminism which is not about equality but about: women are better than men.  Some women talk like this all the time.  Like about how dumb men are and how the female way of approaching problems and feelings is superior to the male model.  I mean, this is ridiculous and insulting.  I have brothers.  They have feelings.  They are very smart.  The difference between men and women is biological.  It has nothing to do with being smarter or dumber, it is about two different brains that contain two very different hormones and how those hormones drive thought and behavior.  These chemicals and biological drives were wired that way for a reason.  Long before we became agrarian, God, or Evolution, created really muscular hunters who could defend against attacks on the family and who needed to mate early and often to ensure that the species did not die out.  Hence: Testosterone.  It makes men strong, fast, and loaded for bear.  It also makes them very visual.  So: certain sights=erection.  Women on the other hand, needed to bond with their baby, and in order for her to survive, she needed to stay with one mate, who would care for her and their baby.  In the wild, when a female ape's mate dies, the new mate often kills the old mate's offspring.  So, there is no advantage for women to change partners.  They are biologically wired for monogamy.  Hence: Estrogen.  Now, I believe in the same way we have created entire systems for honoring the female path, we need to maintain some kind of respect for the male model as well.  Sure there's the whole argument that men have had it their way for so long, but discriminating against men serves to alienate them from the struggle for equality.  We have to value each other and recognize the value we possess in each other's lives.  I've been able to do it and I'm a pissed off Pilipino.  Surely other folks can find a way.  Maybe I've simplified it too much, but I hope it causes people to analyze what they are saying when they begin on an -ist argument.  Oh, and let me type this one last thing in defense of men:  No, they don't talk about their feelings very much, but they work, and bring home paychecks, and love their kids.  Now, I say men, not boys.  I have a friend who has a wife, and a mother who lives nearby, and is responsible for seeing that they have enough money to pay bills.  He doesn't mind this.  He makes a great deal of money.  His partner does work, but he likes for her to have extras.  With his mother, he is expected to climb on the roof in the pounding rain if there is a leak in her roof. He pays her mortgage, any and all repairs, her utilities and handle any and all electronics breakdowns and hookups.  He is a fine example to foster a new respect for how so many men do these things and never really say anything.  Finally, let me say, in all the mudslides in California, in a number of instances, men, passing by, jumped into a barreling mudslide/raging floodwaters to snatch children out of the jaws of certain death. I'm not saying women wouldn't do this, but I am saying, men can show emotion too.  One father dug and dug desperately thinking he could clear tons of earth and reach his family.  Again, not that a woman wouldn't, but don't tell me men are dumb and can't express their feelings.  So maybe we can stop stereotyping each other.

When one opens their eyes, one sees the goodness in people, even in those who we don't like or have closed off from our lives.  It's partially our own fault.  We have to remain open, in order to learn how to forgive, to learn how to grow, to learn how to be good with God.  This philosophy gets reflected in one's daily activities, how they carry themselves, how other people interact with them.  What ever you are looking for, you will definitely find.  Look for good, you will find good.  Look for bad, you find bad too.

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone.  It's been a while but I may have a personal reason to celebrate this Valentine's Day.  In any case, tell your loved ones that you love them.  You never know what will happen next. 

BJ,

Oh how happy you must be that we are all together.  Not by the fact that we are remembering you, but because of the fact that we are working together for a common cause.  That cause, my friend, as humble as you are, is you.  You have that power, and you've demonstrated it many times.  I hope that we do you justice, even though I know that you would never complain.  We'll never forget you. 

THANKS

Thanks to all who responded to our earlier e-mail regarding BJ Alisago, including those who did not know him but offered their kind thoughts nonetheless. For those who may not have met BJ, he appeared in his first Sinag-tala Theatrical Revue in 1994 and also appeared in subsequent shows and touring ensemble engagements, originating several memorable solo roles (Wishing You Were Brown, Babalik Ka Rin, Hanggang Sa Muli, etc.) that have since been revived over the years by other company soloists. His last performance with us was in Sinag-tala 2003 as a returning artist (Balikbayan Box and Hanggang Sa Muli, and kulintang/blowon gong artist in the Tiboli Suite). He has also worked with various theater, dance and musical groups spanning various ethnic orientations. He was respected and loved by many for many reasons. A more complete bio will be provided in the next few days.

VIEWING AND BURIAL

Location details are forthcoming, but the tentative schedule for the viewing of BJ's remains is 11AM to 7PM on both Sunday, February 13 and Monday, February 14. This will make it possible for us to visit with BJ and his family either before or after our memorial fundraiser (see below). The funeral will take place at 10AM on Tuesday, February 15. The viewing and burial will take place in Vallejo. Please watch for announcements.

MEMORIAL FUNDRAISER

When, Where, Why. You are invited to a memorial celebration/fundraiser/potluck in BJ's memory at 4:30PM this coming Sunday, February 13, at Health for All Adult Day Health Care Center, 2730 Florin Road, Sacramento. This event will honor BJ and also help raise contributions towards the Benito Alisago Memorial Fund, which will help defray funeral and related expenses. For planning purposes, an RSVP by Friday noon - February 12 - via e-mail to me would be desirable.

Informality. In keeping with BJ's preference for the simple and casual, you may bring a throw rug and/or floor pillow to sit on if you wish. Chairs and tables will of course be available also. Comfortable attire is encouraged.

Program. There will be an informal and loosely-structured program of entertainment, testimonials and remembrances. Several Sinag-tala artists will be on hand to give performance tributes, but anyone who wishes to offer a musical number, poem, dance, anecdote or any other form of tribute in BJ's memory is welcome to do so. The only requirements are that the offering be celebratory in spirit and that you let either Ben Fenkell or Lorraine De Arco know in advance at funkeel@aol.com, bfenkell@parks.ca.gov, or RaineD7@softcom.net. All respectful forms of expression are welcome, but please don't forget that hearty humor and fun are also in keeping with BJ's memory.

Other Tributes. There will be photo displays, a video restrospective, a memory book and an offertory altar. Those inerested in contributing to the memory book may bring an item that represents a memory of BJ and is insertable in a 3-ring binder sheet protector. Examples include photos, notes, personal testimonials, cds, playbills, written prayers, souvenir programs, newsclippings, etc. This book will be given to the Alisago family. For the altar, you may similarly bring any objects that you deem appropriate, such as an artifact, memento, symbol, photo, book, candle (unlit), musical instrument, etc. that celebrates BJ. Altar items will be returned after the event.

Potluck. We encourage you to bring whatever food and/or or drink you feel like bringing. Try to bring enough to share with 4 people. We'll provide rice, plates, utensils, ice and water. For those who may be interested, the food that BJ had a liking for included chicken adobo, Filipino-style spaghetti (with sliced hot dogs mixed in), Hongkong-style pan-fried chow mein, mango pie, and ramen noodle soup. He also enjoyed a little rum and Jack Daniels.

Donations. There is no admission fee, and donations are entirely voluntary. All proceeds will be deposited in The Benito "BJ" Alisago Memorial Fund Account .589344 at the Golden One Credit Union and turned over to the Alisago family. You're urged to be as generous as possible not only because BJ himself was very self-giving but also because the Alisagos can really use everyone's help.

If you cannot attend the fundraiser but would like to make a donation, you may either:

a) Go to any teller operated Golden One Credit Union branch and personally deposit your donation in the above named account; or

b) Write a check payable to The Benito "BJ" Alisago Memorial Fund and mail it to: The Golden 1 Credit Union, P.O. Box 15249, Sacramento, CA 95851-9905, Attn: Teller By Mail. Be sure to indicate Account .589344 on your check.

The sooner you are able to do either, the sooner it will help the Alisago family.

Outreach. Unfortunately, many of BJ's friends, admirers and supporters (such as many previous Sinag-tala company members) are not listed in our e-mail directory. Please help us get the word around quickly.

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact Lorraine or Ben at funkeel@aol.com, bfenkell@parks.ca.gov, or RaineD7@softcom.net. Thanks.

Sonny Alforque

A sincere friend of mine passed away today.

Rest in Peace Benito Vicente Alisago. 

It was my uncle's birthday yesterday.  He's sixty-two now.  We had a party for him and he had his co-worker friends over.  One is still here.  He and my uncle are drunk and I'm really uncomfortable, not so much because my uncle is drunk, but because his co-worker is here.  Right now, he's talking.  I'm not sure if he's talking to himself or to someone on a phone, but I can hear him from the other room.  I'm sort of on vigil right now, because I don't know this guy.  He hasn't earned enough trust from me to be in my home overnight, while my family and I are asleep. 

Even deeper than that, I don't trust my uncle's judgment in people's character.  He still associates with his baby's momma, who beyond that I believe is a vicious, life-sucking, energy-draining witch that uses and abuses him.  Yet as much as I offer advice, he brushes me off, saying, "You're too young to understand."  My uncle cosigned for a vehicle for one individual who, by the way, had their car repossessed once already, and the same thing happened to this second vehicle.  Maybe you can be too nice.  What I believe to be a  more accurate description is that you can be so worried about what other people, particularly your friends, think of you that you put yourself in compromising positions where more important opinions of you, in this case, your family and credit agencies, are damaged.

But I could be wrong, and my whole philosophy on life is totally jacked up.

I finally heard it, and it felt so refreshing.  I'd only really fully accept the following phrase from one individual.  "I'm proud of you."  I've felt like I haven't accomplished anything.  "You've come a long way."  "Don't sell yourself short."  I've also felt really alone lately.  "You are not alone.  I ride with you all the time."  Then, when someone means it, some of the strongest words that one can say.  "I love you."  All I can say is, "Thanks mom.  I love you too."

She also let me know that my lola is tired.  The funny thing is, I know that, and I think about her all the time.  I want to make life easier on her, allow her to be really happy.  I could do more.  I will do more.  I'll prepare, just as she told me to do. 

Am I too nice?  Nice guys finish last.  I like to say I'm not nice.  I'm kind, considerate, loyal, honest, caring, and all these other wonderful things, but I'm not nice.  Three layers of positive aura.  Blue, yellow, and purple.

Have I met the woman that I've always wanted?  Will I meet her one day?  Definitely an order that is hard to fill.  Long hair, clear, morena complexion, nice eyes, nice smile.  Blue pin stripes and looking around, as if at an airport.  I've always felt that if God didn't intend for me to find her, that's God's will, and I am not anyone of significance to go against that.  I believe that it's too naive to believe there aren't forces more powerful than humans in this humongous universe.

I have a lot to think about after last night.  Thanks to the Deborja family for facilitating a great evening once again, and to the future Silva's for sharing their time with lil ole me.  It's good to remember your roots and where you came from: a monk, a geisha, a king.  It's also good to respect what you don't understand, like supernaturalism and mysticism, or, different cultures and backgrounds.  And as you learn more about them, you appreciate them that much more.