Christmas was interesting this year. I wasn't expecting any presents. However, I got a sweater as a present. More importantly though, I spent it with some immediate and extended family. We went out to my aunt's house in Fairfield, where my cousin was visiting and especially my seven-year-old Goddaughter. When I was there, she was singing on the Karaoke machine. She is so good. I really regreat not being a better Godfather to her. All the promises I make to become more involved have also become tiresome, because as I said it today, my cousin responded, "You always say that." That hurt. He's right though. That's what makes it hurt so much.

Maybe once a month. At least a call. They are just in Fairfield. A visit even. It's very simple. I'm his second cousin, but we are more than that to each other.

My other second cousin drove, and we were able to talk...a lot. Her mom died a couple of years ago, and we talked about that a lot, and how losing our mothers has affected our lives. She is an only child, just like me. Although a year older, her mom was her last remaining parent, as her father had died many years earlier. We were able to talk about the holidays, how hard it's been, how we felt during the whole process. It was amazing to be able to talk to her and feel so alike. The guilt that we felt, how helpless we were. It was therapeutic. There was just something common there. She's very confident though. That's why she'll succeed. She has the right attitude and she's not afraid to work.

I want to go skydiving. As you freefall for that first 200 feet or so, at about 120 miles per hour, you are dying as you wait for your parachute to open. Then, as your parachute finally opens up, you are reborn. Like a phoenix, I want to die and emerge again from the ashes that were the old me.

Hopefully I'd be stronger, wiser, and more able than I ever was before. There is a saying that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. In this case, even that model becomes inapplicable.

My lola was very sick the other night. I was very scared for her because she was vomiting and had diarrhea, causing her to feel dizzy because of dehydration. There haven't been many nights like that, but I should probably be better prepared for tougher ones. Taking a First Aid or CPR course may be very invaluable.

Taking on more reponsibility isn't a new concept in my life. I've always been thrown into the fray of matters with little or no training. Thus far, I feel like I've succeeded, simply because I haven't quit yet. Ultimately, I hope that will be the legacy that I will have lived an the example that I will have set.

I won tickets to a preview of Memoirs of a Geisha for Tuesday, December 20, 2005. I hear it's good, but the movie will definitely test out my Asian American studies background and what sort of analysis I can put towards the movie. I also have a company dinner that night. Oh obligations. After all, it's the holiday season.

At home, we're not even coexisting anymore. We're avoiding each other. Well at least it seems that way. They seem to run up to their room whenever I come out of mine. I don't know what the deal is. Maybe I intimidate them. Admittedly, I try to stay out their way as well, but I realm where I need to realm to get projects done. Then again, they really have nothing to do. So maybe we are in more similar frames of mind than I think. At the same time, it's a good sign that they know that I'm serious about not wanting them to overstay their welcome.

I did look up information about the California High School Proficiency Exam (CHSPE). It's the equivalent of a high school diploma, but you can get it at 16. I think it may be a good option for my cousin. I wouldn't trust my cousin's mom with the responsibilities of taking care of Acai. At the same time, Jennifer would have a very hard time taking care of the baby and going to school. I just don't see how it's possible. Kudos to those mothers that did just that. They truly amaze me.

Overall, I'm trying to help them without them taking advantage of me. It's hard though, especially because an innocent baby is involved. At the same time, they are family...well for the most part. I do think that this may afford me some other benefits like becoming more patient and kind. Life is full of lessons, so I look to these challenges as just that.

Thursday Amelita and I watched Dance Sites, a dance concert at Sacramento State. It was a really good show, with a lot of variety in the dance, music, and concepts. I especially liked Sakura, which, in a Talk Back session with the choreographers, was heavily influenced by Kung Fu movies and Anime. I also liked the one that one of my former castmates, Kenny Su was in. It had a lot of continuous motion movement, with a lot of people pulling and pushing on each other. It was brilliant in its choreography. The show is only showing this weekend however. If you get the opportunity to watch it, I definitely recommend it.

I find myself able to sit longer and longer in silence. I wonder if it is because I am exhausted. Maybe it is because I am frustrated. Situations just aren't quite working out right now. I feel like I am coexisting with my family. We are not particularly emotive towards each other, and I believe that is just the beginning. My uncle blew up at my lola this morning about how he does all the housework or something like that. She's eighty-seven. Exactly how much can she do? While his girlfriend, Aida, continues to not lift a finger around the house except to make a phone call, turn the television on and off, or to make herself a meal. He should be blowing up at her. It's only been a week, and the toll of these extra bodies in the house is already exacting an unfortunate result. Can we make it through January? I may have to cut things short to protect my lola, Amelita, and especially myself.

I had a talk with my lola late last night, as she woke up for one of her nightly excursions through the house. She checks the doors, the windows, the stove, the lights, among other things. She says she's not scared of anything, that she just can't sleep. I think otherwise though.

As I spoke with her, I spoke with her a little bit about the baby, whose name is Acai Maurice Gray. Go figure. The father's name is Ronald Babineaux and the mother's name is Jennifer Mendoza Guleng, but none of those names are in the baby's name. I initially thought the name sounded like a Japanese brand of beer, called Asahi. That's just me I guess. My lola talked a little bit about the baby, and I mentioned that now she's a great-grandmother. I honestly believe that this is the first time that four generations of my family have been alive at one time. Everyone in our family line has seemed to have met their demise before the next generation is born.

She also spoke about when I was a baby and the things she would take care of me. Her recollections included our trip to the Philippines when I was two years old. She was quite detailed, as it obviously was a time of extreme clarity for her. I'm somewhat paranoid that she may have early signs of alzheimer's but we deal with that as it comes.

I was sleepy, so I had to cut our conversation short, but I made sure I told her that I love her and gave her a hug and a kiss. Everytime I say it I get teary-eyed. It never fails. I probably don't say it to her enough. I'm so busy, running back and forth, just dealing with life's daily barrage. I have to make time though. I adore her. She has been the only family that has stuck with me throughout my life. Even my mom didn't do that, as she had her periods where money and work seemed more important than me. Then her health got in the way. My lola, though, has always been there. She is a blessing in my life. My paranoia includes her passing away. I know it's part of the natural process of living, but I know it will be tough for me.

Why is the death of a loved one so hard? In particular, for Catholics, it means eternal life. If we really believe in that, then why do we mourn? It'll be from that perspective that I will be able to speak. I was talking to a castmate yesterday about that, and how I think it's our own selfishness that causes us to mourn. We mourn not of the death of our loved one, but the ending of our relationship with them. We don't feel sorry for them. We feel sorry for ourselves, for losing them. Or maybe it's because of unfinished business we had with that person, or how we treated themEven for a person that dies in a horrible accident, do we feel sorry for their actual death, or how horrific we imagine the process of dying in that accident would be? It's either selfishness, or we don't truly believe in eternal life after death. If it's not selfishness, I believe that if we really believed and had faith, there would be no need to mourn. Yet I know I have faith in eternal life after death. So it's my selfishness that causes me to mourn. I admit it, and it's something that I need to get over, because I apparently write about it too much on here, and think about it too much.