"I know you've already left, but I am calling anyways. I'll probably never hear your voice again, but I want to let you know that I'm thinking of you. When times are difficult, I always think of you. I miss you. I love you. I miss you so, so much."

The Filipino American History Month (FAHM) Committee at the California Department of Education met for the first time on Tuesday. It's a small group, but regardless, I will do everything within my power tomake this event successful.

After introducing the cadre to the beginnings of Filipino American History Month, we went over possible themes. We ended up choosing, "Connecting Our Past to Inspire Our Future." It's broad and will allow us to include practically everything under the sun. I feel as though I have too much to draw from to address the theme. Some of the guidelines though are that we are about California and about education.

I was thinking of addressing Filipino farm laborers, in particular Philip Veracruz and Larry Itliong and doing a display on them. Here's an exciting part. I potentially have the use of a display case area that includes ten 30" x 40" panels adjacent to each other and arranged in two rows of five. In somewhat of a mosaic style, that is about 83 1/2 square feet of display space. If I'm able to reserve the space, I'd be able to have the display up for one month and then keep the display afterwards. Our CDE Press can make full color panels for the display case. It's an awesome opportunity.

I'm certainly excited to be able to spearhead this.

The Yellow Fever review was in The Sacramento Bee today in the Scene section. We received two-and-a-half stars. The reviewer had some keen things to say, and was very attentive to the social issues that the play brings up. I like that. Check out the review at: http://www.sacticket.com/onstage/story/14111415p-14942589c.html.

I saw a cool sight yesterday. An Asian girl was playing tetherball. However, the story is really hidden within the context of the environment. She was in the housing projects of South Sacramento. Behind the gates you could see her hitting a tetherball around a tree. I'm sure many people have done that, but for some reason, seeing this girl, happy, behind gates, just seemed ironic and clever to me. It sort of represents the naivete of a child, the pureness of not realizing how crazy the world is.

Part of us need to keep that with ourselves, in order to just stay sane and maintain some ideals for the world. Ideals to strive for, and aim for, no matter how difficult life can be. It gives us hope. I've always been the hopeful type.

It's been a busy weekend for me. Fortunately, I feel like I've been able to accomplish a lot and be very productive with it, while still taking care of my health...to an extent. I finally got the Jaguar all registered and transferred into my name, then went over to Davis to drop in on the Pilipino Youth Coalition (PYC) Conference. It looked outstanding and everyone seemed to be having a good time. I knew some of the speakers and know the quality of their work, so I have no doubt that the participants were able to take in a strong message from at least one, if not all, of them. Afterwards, I went and took care of things for the lobby display of Yellow Fever before heading to the theatre to find out if I had to be on stage last night. Bill came through once again. I just worry that he's pushing himself too hard and doing further damage to the slipped disk in his spine.

Fortunately, the PYC energy had transferred to me, even in the short time that I was there. I felt really great and active. It's a great environment, and it's too bad that more people aren't able to share in it. Everyone, from the organizers, the counselors, the volunteers, the participants, and the presenters, seem to somehow get on the same page in just over a weekend. It's positive and amazing.

Just this morning, I heard my uncle's girlfriend totally neglecting to take care of her grandson, even telling him to shut up. He was crying. He's only eight weeks old. When I went to go pick him up, she told me to stay away. So I obliged. Not until Acai's mom came down was the baby taken care of. I felt so bad. It got me thinking. From birth, we are exposed to so many negative energies. It's impossible to completely avoid all of them throughout our lives, but do we really have to expose newborns to it? What does it accomplish? For anyone, at any age?

Here's what's positive: appreciation. People at the retreat showed me a lot of appreciation. That's part of the magic. Positivity, support, and love. We need more of that in the world. That type of connection is amazing.

Fortunately, Bill came in last night, and I did not have to jump on stage. I was ready to go, but any extra time to continue memorizing my lines are definitely appreciated. The show looks good to go, and we went through complete dress rehearsal with live guns and everything. It was a beautiful sight. Also, it felt so good to have an audience, especially one that goes along with what's happening on stage.

Bill made a poignant observation yesterday. He said, "People don't want to see reality on the stage." I questioned him about that, and he said that anyone can go to a public area and find something or someone interesting to observe and that everyday life is entertaining. He continued on saying that on the stage, what people perform better be as entertaining if not better. It makes sense. Why would people pay money to watch everyday life? Of course, a person can go too far and way over the top. As always, finding that happy medium is the key.

Murphy's Law strikes again. I have been committed to doing the lights and sound for Yellow Fever, and I knew that the director had asked me to be an understudy for one of the parts, but as of yesterday, I may have to take on the role. That means that the director will hopefully be able to find someone to handle the tech for ths show. The primary character has a hernia and has to go into surgery on Monday. If that weren't bad enough, the doctor told him to stop taking the Vicodin that he had prescribed previously. That equates to a lot of pain.

As a result. I am cramming to try to get these lines straight. I have a gist of what happens in the scenes, so that should help me, as opposed to someone who does not have any prior knowledge of the play. Even if I don't get the lines quite right, at least I may be able to make up for it by doing some action that will push the plotline along. Showtime is at 8:00 PM tonight. Can I do it? Well, I've always said, "If you can think it, you can do it."

Okay, so I've determined that I was being a little melodramatic with the whole Pilipino Youth Coalition counselor situation. I mean, I actually wrote "Alas." That's just too much. A former pamilya member reminded me of a lesson that I often tell others. "The final step in leadership is replication." It means that you have led someone to take your place, because you cannot be there forever. It's a good lesson. She's right. Thank you for the reminder. Other capable people have stepped in and are handling it.

There was a time when I wanted to step up but was afraid of stepping on other people's toes. When I shared this with my partner in crime, she told me, "They're lucky that there are other people that are there to even step on their toes." If nobody is climbing up the ladder to take over the helm, then the organization is doomed, no matter what the current leadership tries to do.

The same wind blows on us all. Same situation, but two different perspectives make it good or bad. It's good to look at the good. Happy people create more happy people. The energy is just catching.

This Thursday, January 19, 2006, is preview night for the play Yellow Fever by R. A. Shiomi, and produced by Interactive Asian Contemporary Theatre (InterACT). It's a really fun play and I'm very much looking forward to seeing it on stage with an audience. After seeing it day in and day out, and being the only one in the audience, it's still very fresh and I'm still not tired of it. All I can say is that it is a very good, fun play.

This weekend also happens to be the Pilipino Youth Coalition Retreat. This year's theme is MATAAS. For years now, I've been a counselor. I felt like the Lance Armstrong of the Sacramento youth retreats, including the Filipino American Youth Leadership Conference (FAYLC). Alas, the streak is over. This year, however, I wasn't chosen. I have to say, I'm pretty disappointed. The organizers wanted to give other people a chance to be counselors. I told one of the organizers that I would drop in and see how it was going. However, in the evenings, I'll be doing the lights and sound for InterACT. If I were asked to be a counselor, I'd tell Dennis I couldn't do the lights and sound that weekend. Hands down. I was asked to be activities coordinator, but it's little compensation. It's the same old story. You get too old and people start seeing you as a burden, a hindrance, rather than an asset.

Regardless, I brought it upon myself. I told people that I'd be fine not being counselor, in anticipation for this day. I knew it was going to happen when at FAYLC last year, I felt like the most inadequate counselor. It seemed as though all the other counselors there were going into that profession or at least dealt with children, like being a teacher or a social worker. Otherwise, they have worked in non-profit organizations that outreach to the youth. Being a counselor brought me purpose though. It was an environment where I could have a positive effect on people and see the results, if only for that weekend. I haven't encountered another venue like it. Maybe I never will. It was good while it lasted though. I hope people just appreciate, and I do wish the conference well this year. It's unfortunate that I won't have as large a role in it as in years past.

Fortunately, Chi Rho Omicron will be represented at the retreat, in Leif. That's a great thing. Ultimately though, I will be fine not being a counselor. The world will continue to spin, and I will continue on with my life, as will everyone else. You just go on. I don't worry if the world is going to pass me by, because the truth is, it's not going anywhere.

Today, our office hosted the newly announced fellows of the United States Senate Youth Program. Essentially, they get to go to Washington D.C. and participate in a mock Legislative branch of the government. It's a very prestigious position to be in as only two high school juniors are chosen each year. I gave the students some advice, which was to take it seriously, and that it would lead to many other opportunities.

When I was a junior at Valley High School, I was chosen to take part in Boys' State, which was a weekend retreat where a mock local government was set up and simulated. Students came from all over the state, and ultimately, two of the boys were chosen to go to Boys' Nation, also in Washington D.C., and also to participate in a mock legislative branch at the Federal level.

I wish I had taken it more seriously. For me, it was a chance to get away from home. I used it as an opportunity to spend more time with my girlfriend at the time. Honestly, I didn't take advantage of a very lucrative opportunity. If I could go back, knowing what I know now, I would've done my best to have been elected Governor of the state.

My counterpart at Girls' State, did just that. She was chosen to participate in Girls' Nation, and ran for President there. One day, I would not be surprised if she were to become the first African American female president. That would be awesome.

There is a lot that I would change if I could go back through my life again. It's not that I regret my decisions, but I do wonder how much better my life could be had I taken other routes with my life. Passing up a full-ride scholarship at the University of Rochester. Being bolder about my love life. Being stronger politically. Getting more involved in sports. I look back, and I wonder what kept me from just doing it all. I'm a good example of what Nelson Mandela said in his inauguration speech: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?"

I have to transfer that type of energy. Mandela went on, "Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." In this new year, I hope to shine. I hope everyone will join me as well.

According to The Book of Lists, the fear of public speaking ranks number one in the minds of the majority of people. Far above the fear of death and disease, comes the fear of standing in front of a crowd. We all want to be famous celebrities, but are terrified of the spotlight.

Let's take this in a direction with respect to leadership. Who comes to mind when we think of leaders? Martin Luther King Jr., Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, Eleanor Roosevelt, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Oprah Winfrey, etc. The list goes on. They are all well known. One thing that they all have in common is that they were all very good public speakers.

Why is that? They aren't synonymous, because some great leaders aren't known for their speaking. One example that comes immediately to mind is Rosa Parks. She wasn't known to be an eloquent public speaker. Her actions, however, influenced people internationally. Another tribute to the saying, "Actions speak louder than words." Yet words help to supplement those actions.

So many leaders are good public speakers because leaders need followers. To get followers, one must communicate a vision to them. Public speakers who are able to speak to large groups are at a huge advantage as far as leading people. It's a piece of the puzzle, but not the whole puzzle.

For the underprivileged and underrepresented groups to make more progress, it's imperative that people, at least a few, get over that fear of public speaking. Even I myself have been struggling with the fear. I once was a very open and confident speaker. Of course, I mean in elementary school, where our 30+ student classrooms were where I needed to speak. I did spelling bees, with large audiences, but I was just able to block those staring eyes out.

My fear first developed in the eighth grade, when I spoke at my class' eighth grade promotion. Although I had prepared for weeks prior to the event, and had rehearsed over and over, as I stepped to the podium, and looked out into the crowd, my legs began to tremble and my heart began to pound.

Ever since then, I get those same feelings even speaking to a group of five people. I don't know how long it will take for me to shake that sort of response to speaking. All I know is that I'm trying to shake it as fast as I can. Between the theatre I've been doing, the speaking I do for student groups, or even at work, I definitely get a fair share of practice - despite my fear.

It goes along with my philosophy of pushing ourselves beyond our self-proclaimed limits. I hear my uncle always say, "What will they think of us if you do that?" Why do we worry so much about what other people think? It limits us so much. I stopped worrying about what people would think of me when I realized how seldom people think of anyone but themselves.

So go forth, speak, be confident, and lead.