June 7, 2008

  • Some people immerse themselves in work to avoid issues in their lives. I believe that my uncle has done that for quite some time now. When he retired last Friday, he lost a major distraction that he used to ignore issues. Four of the five days this work week, I noticed that he had drank himself to the point of stumbling.

    I plan to intervene this weekend. It has only been one week and he is engaging in this self-destructive behavior. It is not only expensive, but damaging to one's health as well.

    I do not necessarily enjoy having these crucial conversations, but they are an unavoidable part of life. We all face them. When opinions vary, stakes are high, and emotions run strong, then you may be dealing with a tough issue. That is when crucial conversations are needed the most. When you are dealing with tough issues.

    I often tell people and have heard that communication is key to any good healthy relationship or organization structure. Having crucial conversations is all about that. Many times, we can communicate about good news. It is easy to talk about good news. The hard news is much tougher to deal with. However, one knows when they are communicating well because they can talk about anything to one another, good or bad.

    For example, when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, she was not able to tell me herself. I do not know how long she had known, but from what I have been able to gather, it was before our planned trip to the Philippines in 2000. When her health became worse, and her doctor urged her not to go, she got a refund of her ticket. Lola and I continued with our trip. During the month that I was there, I can only imagine the stress that my mom went through in dealing with this illness by herself. Sure, my uncle was around, but I do not think he was much help at all.

    She had an appointment the morning after lola and I landed back in San Francisco. She woke me up, asking me to drive her to the hospital. Although I was jetlagged, I noticed the worry on her face and bit my tongue before my frustration had manifested itself in an outwardly negative manner. I drove toward the University of California, Medical Center, thinking it was a kidney issue, as she had a kidney transplant fourteen years prior. However, I was incredulous when she asked me to turn into the cancer center.

    We went in, and the doctor told me of her diagnosis. At the time, I thought we were learning this together. After her funeral, I found out that she had known, and that she did not have the heart to tell me.

    To this day, eight years later, it hurts to know that she went through so much by herself. It also hurts to know that I could have been a better son to her. I wonder, if she had been able to engage in this crucial confrontation together, and hold me accountable for my actions, that we would have had more quality time together.