May 8, 2009

  • Every morning I wake up, I check on my lola, aware of the possibility that she took her last breath some time during the night. To my great relief, this inevitability has not been realized.

    However, the same anxious feelings emerge when I get a phone call coming from the house, or from my cousin. I answer the phone, hoping that it the message coming from the individual on the other end is not a message that lola fell or had to be rushed to the hospital.

    Fortunately, I seem to have been present whenever my lola has needed to go to the hospital. As a person that took care of my mother when she was in hospice, it is a familiar--although unwelcome--positon. Every past experience, however, prepares a person for the future.

    Regardless of the preparation, I feel guilty after I have not interacted with my lola, even if only after a short time. When I go to work, hang out with friends, perform some community service, I end up going home in an apologetic state. I even get this feeling after I have been on my computer and not interacting with lola.

    This is apparently normal among individuals that are the primary caretakers of aging loved ones. Knowing this does not make the situation any better for me.

    In time this feeling shall pass. Until then, I focus on my intentions and hope that they lead me in the appropriate direction.