May 1, 2010
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It is a rare occassion that I wake up and remember what I was dreaming about. I know there is significance to my dream when I am able to recall it.
Last night, I dreamt that I was looking for Lola. I was walking everywhere, in search of her, and could not find her. Although I recall this part of my dream, it is hazy to me whether or not I was walking around Sacramento, or walking around an unfamiliar place. My uncle was also in the dream, but he could offer no help in finding her.
I am not sure what it means. It could be my mind reinforcing that I have physically lost my Lola. People say that when you see loved ones in your dreams, they are visiting you. What does it mean when you do not see them, but are looking for them? Certain people believe that one should not desire their loved ones so much, so that their loved ones can make the transition without complication.
I find myself doing all of the above. There are times that I wish I could sit next to her, stroking her hair, holding her hand, or giving her some food or drink. Then there are times where I find myself glad that she is no longer lacking quality of life.
These feelings are similar to how I felt after my mom died on October 18, 2000. I reacted negatively to her death in all aspects of my life–academically, personally, physically, emotionally, mentally, economically, and socially. I desire to do better this time. It is almost ten years later and I am in a different place in my life and living under different circumstances. My Lola was a source of strength for me when I was dealing with my mom’s death or any other difficult situation. I do not have her to turn to this time. Fortunately, I do have my mom’s memories, her teachings, and my Lola’s memories and teachings. They have taught me well. I will honor them both through my life.
